A Young Widow's Life After her Husband's Death

by Nikki Lomax-Larson

Her screen name on our military spouse forum was “Pink Bamboo.”  But in late January of 2005, we all came to know her by her first name: Emily.  She was a young wife, 22 years old and married less than a year.  Her husband had deployed to Iraq from Fort. Lewis, Washington.

I remember the day all of this happened because I had been traveling for a work assignment.  I unpacked at my hotel, logged onto my e-life and hit the military spouse board.  I immediately saw the thread titled “My DH was just killed,” which was about 60 pages long and counting.  That thread stayed at the top of the forum for days.

“She was clinging … for dear life.”

That Saturday evening, all she knew was that her husband was dead; the Army hadn’t yet released the details.  You could feel her grief through the keyboard.  She was clinging to her invisible friends on the Internet for dear life.  All the rest of us were clinging right back.

The message-board traffic was extremely busy, and stayed busy until her husband’s funeral.  No one wanted to leave her alone.  We didn’t want to be alone.  There was now an unspoken understanding that this could happen to any of us.  Our little Internet cocoon was no longer safe from death or grief.

In the following days, Emily told us the details of her husband’s death.  He had been on patrol, handing out pamphlets and encouraging Iraqis to vote in the upcoming elections when he was killed by a sniper’s bullet.

The funeral announcement was posted on the board, and wives that were within a day’s travel drove- or flew-in to attend.  The rest of the members of the board took up a collection and sent roses the colors of the Web site.

Slow healing

Over two years have passed since Emily lost her husband.  After the funeral, she stayed away from the message board for awhile.  I think the board reminded her of the life she had, so cruelly taken from her.  And I’d be lying if I didn’t say her presence probably made some of the other military wives uncomfortable.  She was a reminder of our husbands’ mortality—the daily danger they face, and the grief and heartache any one of us could also face at any moment.

In the two years since becoming a widow, she’s graduated from college, landed her first real job, bought a house and started dating again.  Late last year, she announced to the board that she was engaged to be married.  As hard as it is to imagine, life can—and does—go on.  Emily has been a wonderful example of how resilient military spouses can be.