Deployment - What If You Don't Really Want to Talk?

Email:
Password:
Remember me Forgot password?

Are you planning to contact your congress person over the proposed changes to military retirement?

Yes
No
What changes?

What If You Don't Really Want to Talk?

Handling too much communication.

by Sarah Smiley

I was discussing the pros and cons of instant communication during a deployment with a couple of young military wives this weekend and one of them said “Sometimes, when my husband calls from overseas, I don't really feel like talking. And then I feel bad."

I'm sure the woman was pleased to see so many heads nodding in agreement after she made that statement.

Communication during deployments is so relatively effortless these days, we take it for granted. I remember when Dustin was in port, he was able to call home several times a day. Occasionally I'd think, “I don't feel like talking right now."

As one of the women I was speaking to said her husband would call so often that nothing had changed since the last time he called. “I had come home from work and eaten dinner. That was it. There was nothing new to say," she said.

We feel guilty when we have these feelings because most civilians can't imagine not seeing their spouse for a whole day, much less not talking to them. We know that we should treasure those phone calls, but, well, sometimes you just don't feel like talking.

Waiting for Dustin's phone calls was like waiting for prom. I had built it up so much in my mind I was bound to be disappointed. We'd spend several minutes just saying, "So, what's up? How are you? What's going on? I miss you. I love you." If there wasn't any big news, or if the phone calls were too closely spaced, there was nothing left to say. I'd hang up feeling very disappointed and wished we hadn't talked at all.

There, I said it. Some spouses will not take this well. In fact, they will hate what I've said. But, that’s how I and a lot of other military spouses out there truly feel. People deal with deployments in different ways. What works for some may not work so well for others. I liked my phone calls spread out. How about you?

Communication After Deployment
Male Military Spouse Challenges
Male Military Spouse Needs
What to Say to Someone Coping with Death
Children and Deployment

Rate this content:

You must be logged in to post a comment. Log in | Register

User comments:

hmbettinger	5/6/2009 7:29:33 AM
My husband called me anywhere from 12 to 18 times a day. It got to the point that I just didn't want to hear from him. He even called me at work. His constant calling to my work to talk to me was the reason I lost my job. I kept telling him. Call me once a week, at the end of the week, so we'll have a few things to talk about. But he refused. He called SO much, that I didn't even notice that he didn't call for 3 days due to a black out that they had where he was at. He'd call me at my parent's house, tell me to IM him to let him know that I got home, but turn around and call me 30 minutes to an hour later while I'm still at my parent's house. My parent's found that to be disrespectful and controlling. Everytime he'd call, it was, "What are you doing right now, what are you doing within the next hour?" I simply couldn't take it anymore and stopped answering my phone. Of course he started leaving me threatening voicemails, but he just refused to understand how suffocated he was making me feel. They may be bored and lonely over there (he said he was), but we have so much to do here on the homefront, that we don't have the time to be talking on the phone so many times at day.
pauliesgirl77	5/6/2009 7:38:23 AM
None of my husband's deployments had great communication, especially with this last one to a remote part of Afghanistan. He's never had internet in his room, it's always been at the MWR if at all. He'd call about once a week if he could this last time so I would just make a list of the things that I wanted to tell him.
armywife2006	5/6/2009 9:36:17 AM
When my husband was deployed for 15 months, the most I was able to talk to him was once a week, sometimes every other week. The calls were limited to 15 min.
NavywifeBK	5/6/2009 10:04:27 AM
I'm a wife that is struggling with these comments. On one hand I totally understand the not wanting to talk however the sad thing is we are enabling the issues that we as military spouses must deal with. My husband is currently in Afghanistan and I get tired of talking to him 10 times a day but, we have had issues where he found comfort in someone else. I'm not saying I could have changed that but we need to embrace our husbands reaching out. I don't get sleep or a lot accomplished because I'm on the phone just killing time. The reward is that he's happy which in turn makes me happy. They're not in the same environment as we are so I feel like I must do my part. Also there are times when I get so frustrated when he's found something else to do so he doesn't call but the end result is I'd rather hear from him then not.
	5/6/2009 12:36:05 PM
As a 30 year military spouse, professional counselor and a vet myself, I believe that a spouse who regularly calls more than a few times a day has mental health or control issues. This is not good for either of you. (There may also be potential military discipline ramifications or Operation Security (OPSEC) problems.) I hope hmbettinger has contacted her spouse's First Sergeant, commander or chaplain and told her story. This is NOT appropriate. As for "finding comfort in someone else", that is an excuse for something that either already is occurring or being considered. It attempts to shifts the blame and is a cop out. Yes, he or she is in a different environment but you have responsibilities on the home front as well. When my husband was in combat, we were out of touch for weeks at a time and that was very hard but I knew that if something happened to him, I would be contacted so no news was good news. I have a suggestion for those times you can't/would rather not talk. Establish a personal code phrase, (i.e. "love you but have to get ready for the marathon")where you agree ahead of time that if you are unable/unwilling to talk at that specific time, just use the code. No feelings hurt. Good communication now will improve your relationship in the long run. My last thought is that there is nothing like a snail-mail letter/photo that the soldier or spouse can physically hold and carry with him/her.It may sound old fashioned in this age of instant communication but you will be surprised at how treasured it will be. Best of luck ladies.
hmbettinger	5/6/2009 1:28:43 PM
I actually did contact his FSGT and his commander....they didn't do a thing about it. It caused a lot of problems. He's been back since the day before thanksgiving last year, and the problems have almost gone away. Which of course is a good thing.
Dianna	5/6/2009 6:39:42 PM
When my husband was first deployed he would not call but once a week. I personally needed to talk to him more. He now calls me every other night and sends me an e-mail every day. This is the perfect arrangement for my husband and me. I do not think I would be happy if my husband would call multiple times a day. We would not have anything to talk about. Thank-you for your article.
sharee	5/7/2009 6:08:48 AM
OH my gosh thank you for writing this. As of now I thought I was the only one that would accidentally turn off my cell phone. Sometimes I just do not have anything left to talk about. I got laid off so that adds more stress to the what did you do today? Well, I checked the mail and did laundry..and two hours later? I folded it and ran to the store.. ugh...I do try to get creative tell very colorful stories make them long if he is on base. I also get on yahoo or im so that it is kind of dragged out. The time goes by and I can multi task. But thank you very much for this email. I know my husband has not mental or emotional issues. He is just in a foreign place and we are best friends who are used to talking. He worries about me and my days and things. Nothing wrong with him wanting to talk because he is bored. I am glad he is calling just .... not all the time!
kmt_1	5/8/2009 9:52:15 AM
After my husband first left, he was calling me every morning, sometimes even when I was trying to get myself and the kids ready to leave the house. He wouldn't understand why I couldn't talk to him right then. I am with some of you where we would run out of things to talk about. It would be the same stuff in our conversation, talk about work, the kids' days, and what I was doing that evening. Finally he has backed off with the phone calls and I treasure the times I get to talk to him so much more.
Mommyof1	5/10/2009 12:26:43 AM
I get this. My man has internet in his room and a cell phone. Yes it's great because we know each other very well...but we talk literally every waking min. (the eight hour time difference becoming a blessing). I know that's horrible to say but sometimes there is nothing to talk about so why waste money on min of breathing on the phone? I'd be crushed if I never heard from him but maybe limit to once a day? I'm going to be cursed for saying that aren't I lol
plata1	5/11/2009 12:59:09 AM
i feel you on this one... i was 100% the same way...
bwine2	5/11/2009 10:09:26 AM
You know I so feel all of you ladies...I go through the same thing...my husband calls several times a day and we have skype also so when im at home he wants me on the computer so I can see him and talk...dont get me wrong its nice to see and talk but I have 2 boys at home and a house to take care of...he gets so upset and mad because I dont want to sit and talk all night long...I love him so much and I know he is not so controlling when he is at home but the controlling he is doing over there is putting a big strain on our relationship..its nice to have somewhere to vent..lol
redlovesjak	5/11/2009 2:21:37 PM
I feel very at peace and fortunate when I get to talk to my hubby. I too feel that I am doing my part to bring a little piece of home to his world overseas. He is my home as well, so when we talk I can feel at home too 9even thought technically I am home). We don't have children, all we have is each other. We never run out of things to talk about. I don't ever forsee us ever running out of things to talk about. There is never enough time to express how much you support your spouse and love them. Every phone call could be your last (on both ends) We never know what tomorrow or even the next hour will bring. I do feel the previous post of unhealthy calling and controlling behavior is unacceptable. Maybe the stress from deployment brought these actions on, these are not things that will simply go away by ignoring.
redlovesjak	5/11/2009 2:21:38 PM
I feel very at peace and fortunate when I get to talk to my hubby. I too feel that I am doing my part to bring a little piece of home to his world overseas. He is my home as well, so when we talk I can feel at home too 9even thought technically I am home). We don't have children, all we have is each other. We never run out of things to talk about. I don't ever forsee us ever running out of things to talk about. There is never enough time to express how much you support your spouse and love them. Every phone call could be your last (on both ends) We never know what tomorrow or even the next hour will bring. I do feel the previous post of unhealthy calling and controlling behavior is unacceptable. Maybe the stress from deployment brought these actions on, these are not things that will simply go away by ignoring.
collujstoodunt	5/11/2009 8:12:11 PM
For the most part I enjoyed talking to my husband everyday while he was deployed, however, there was a period of time I think I would have liked a couple of days respite. At first he wanted to know everything, then he only wanted to know the good news, the hard part was that at that point in time, there was nothing good to report. The car was having problems, the only thing I had to report about jobs was a long list of who I had been declined by and that I was going crazy having no privacy at my parent's house. So there wasn't any good news to report. So when I would respond 'nothing' as to what was new, he knew there was something, but didn't want to hear it. This left us fighting more than talking. So during this time I had wished he wouldn't call for a couple of days, but his temper was so short while he was gone I didn't dare ask for it out of fear of him not speaking to me for a couple of weeks.
Mrs.Balch	9/23/2009 2:27:20 PM
Totally agree with that! For me is better when he doesn't call that often, that way in excited to talk to him and have tons of things to say!
	9/28/2009 3:48:40 PM
I didn't get a chance to talk to my DH that often when he was gone. He would call at least twice or 3 times a week and when I asked him why he didn't call a lot, he told me it was because he didn't want us to grow tired of not having things to say to each other. He would shoot me an email saying hi or something but we wouldn't just hear each other daily. It wasn't that bad because with me working and going to school, I actually had things to tell him when he called instead of us just holding the phone not talking
Medora	9/28/2009 4:45:48 PM
I had to ask my husband to stop calling me, cause I would miss his calls...he would call the house phone, my cell phone or my office phone. everytime leaving a message and i could hear his saddness and frustration and i would feel bad. so we had to establish a time and day that he would call. It saved a all that and if he couldnt call we would just commit to email which i think is better anyway.
[[*Jay]]	2/10/2010 2:47:45 PM
WOW now i dont feel as bad.. I'm happy to know that others feel the same way as me, which makes me feel like i'm not a bad wife after all. Well My husband and i have had several conversations about this actually. In the beginning of his deployment he'd call me like 3-4 times a day, and i'd be on the phone from 10 am to 3:30 pm till i started work. It became like kind of a hassle just to answer his phone calls. I have a 3 year old and i do need to spend time with him also, but i guess i didnt want to hurt his feelings. But he asked me one night if he bugged me and i said honestly "yes you do". But i assured him it wasnt like he was actually bugging me but i guess i need time to myself too. So this might sound horrible but thank god for missions [[thats when i get my break ]] he'll leave 3-5 days sometimes and i'm soo excited to talk to him when he returns. We have so much to talk about. I love talking to him just not every day.
MrsL2008	2/10/2010 2:51:39 PM
When my dh was in Korea we got to talk everyday and it drove me nuts. It got to the point that I would tell him to go do something or take a nap (if he had the day off). I love him dearly but like you said, when you talk several times a day there isn't much to talk about. Finally I gave up telling him that i had nothing to say and when he did have a day off we would do a movie night. We would both have the same movie and watch it at the same time. With our webcams on one side of the computer and the video going on the other side (yeah sucked it wasn't full screen but it was fun) we would watch the movies then talk about them. There were even times that he would just sit and watch tv in his room with the web cam on and I would keep my web cam on and do my daily things either doing dishes or what not. Just a thought it might help.
jamielustfield	2/11/2010 9:57:28 AM
My husband and I were not able to have a schedule of when we could talk so I welcomed the calls when I got them, however, sometimes I was just having a bad and I didn't want to talk. I still did my job as a wife and I talked to him but I was upfront and told him I was having a bad day. I was afraid though that if I turned off my phone or ignored his calls, we wouldn't get to talk again for days and I didn't want to risk that. I also made a list and that way our conversations flowed better. Towards the end of the deployment though you tend to run out of things to say. It was very difficult at that point to not think he hated me but to understand that we didn't have a lot to say. He couldn't tell me what he did every day and the things I use to talk to him about didn't seem important anymore.
Brayd'sLady	2/14/2010 11:34:03 AM
When my db was on a DET in Europe he called every days week or week and 1/2 and when his ship had email he would email me every day. There was not much going on in my life only school and work pretty boring stuff. It was good spacing because I would have stuff to talk about. There were several times when we went 9 -11 days with out contact I took it better than his mom did.
Buddswife	6/17/2010 4:30:21 PM
I did not find this at all strange. This is me and my husband's first deployment; his second.He's only been gone two weeks now and so far I've received phone calls everyday most times twice a day or more. At first I loved it actually I still do. Sometimes the two calls I get per day are so close together that for the rest of the day I wish he would call again. And on other days that I get like 5 calls in one day it becomes overwhelming a little because not only do we speak that day we also IM and email back and forth everyday. In the end I'm just glad he has someone to call and vent to about his day. Don't feel so bad it happens to the best of us and Like you stated at the end everyone deals with deployments in their own way.

Related Articles:

Rate this content:

User comments: