Becoming a Widow
by Allison Perkins
In February 2005, one day after returning from his second tour in Iraq, Vivianne Wersel’s husband died from dysrhythmia—a condition of the heart doctors say was caused, in part, by the relentless tempo of his job. With her husband gone, she says it seemed that those around her expected her to just disappear. With the grief and heartbreak came the realization that the military life she loved would not be easy to give up.
“We do love the Marine Corps, and that’s why we support our husbands. For us to walk away from it is very difficult,” Wersel says. “I’ve had people tell me to walk away — to stay off base — to start a new life over. But this is my life.”
She says she felt isolated. As she began to look in to her benefits as a widow, she realized that life was also about to become very difficult. The laws were confusing, and in some cases, she was excluded. “Benefits have changed,” Wersel says. “I realized I wasn’t included, and I needed to do something about it.”
Soon she also discovered, she wasn’t alone. She joined the Gold Star Wives of America Inc., a group of women bonded by the loss of their service member husbands. They cry on each others’ shoulders, listen to each others’ stories and rattle their sabers on Capitol Hill for all military spouses.
Sixty years of struggle
As the death toll mounts in Iraq and Afghanistan, the group once dominated by World War II, Korea and Vietnam widows is welcoming a flood of members — young mothers, newlyweds and women who were just a few years from celebrating their husbands’ retirements. Many have never heard of the group. Thousands are still going it alone after losing their husbands.
The group’s roster lists only 10,000 members, including about 250 who regularly log on to a password-protected chat site and share stories. Government records, organizers say, list nearly 340,000 widows who are eligible to be members.
Rose Lee’s husband, a Korean War and Vietnam veteran, died in 1972. She says the young faces, the children, the babies born after their fathers are gone, they all need to be seen and heard, so they are not forgotten or simply passed over. At a recent reception in Washington, D.C., Lee says women mingled with politicians while their babies cooed, toddlers giggled and young children played nearby.
“A lot of young widows brought their children, and we encourage that,” Lee says. “We wanted them to … understand that widows really have these kinds of difficult situations.”
The Gold Star Wives was created in 1945 when four widows gathered to talk about their struggles. In the coming months, the group grew and even attracted the attention of first lady Eleanor Roosevelt, who attended some of the meetings. It’s been 60 years, and the struggles remain the same.