Tips for Arguing
A few things to keep in mind in a marriage.
by Anita Doberman
No one wants to fight, especially when we see a recurring issue that’s a flashpoint. Diane Sollee, founder of Smart Marriages, a ma.rriage education center based in Washington D.C. explained that “psychologists have found that all couples disagree about the same amount – It's the way they manage conflict that distinguishes satisfied partners from miserable ones.”
So here are a few steps to keep in mind:
BEFORE AN ARGUMENT: Avoid keeping all frustrations inside and then letting them out at once, in a big unproductive explosion. Another major mistake is constantly nagging and trying to force the other partner into a confrontation. Choose the issues that will benefit you most to address, and keep quiet about other things that you can live with.
DURING AN ARGUMENT: Both individuals should be able to explain their different point of views and ideas. Stay somewhat focused on the issue at hand; it’s not “kitchen sink” time to dump every negative thing you can think of on the other person. The couple should focus on reaching a compromise. Arguments are not debates – there is no "winner" and no "loser." Strive for a compromise. If you can inject humor, and recognize that you still love your spouse, chances are the fight won't extend into other aspects of your life together.
SIT DOWN: If possible – it forces us to focus on our partner and it’s more difficult to use dominating body gestures
DON’T INTERRUPT: Try to let your mate finish a thought. If you don’t, you can quickly wind up in an unconstructive fight that has little to do with the original issue.
DON’T BE JUDGMENTAL: Rather than criticize, state your opinions as concerns or fears. Ask for specific changes.
DON’T CORRECT YOUR PARTNER: Don’t tell them how they are feeling and why they should feel a completely different way.
CONSIDER COUNSELING: This shouldn’t be seen as a last resort. If you feel that you could benefit from a neutral third party, go for it. There is no shame in seeking help and one or two appointments can help you get on the right track.
Remember why you love your spouse and that you are making strides toward better understanding. Reward yourself if you made progress by complimenting each other on how you understand the other person’s stance on an issue.
Fighting is challenging, but it’s part of every relationship and with the right tools it becomes another way to move forward and stay truthful and close to those we love.