Teach Healthy Relationships
Teaching children how to make good friends begins at home.
by Jennifer Morrow
Some children have problems making friends while others have trouble fostering relationships with existing friends. A parent can equip a child with tools to assist them in growing relationships without choosing friends for them.
The first relationship a child develops is the one with a parent. Modeling good communication skills provides the child with knowledge and practice, which he will be able to use in future relationships. Speaking to a child with an adult voice and not “baby talk” shows the child respect and fosters his self-worth.
Modeling Preferred Behavior
When a child reaches the age of two, playdates may be introduced. Inviting a friend and his parent over to play or to meet at a park can offer a safe and relaxing atmosphere to foster a new relationship. Modeling sharing, taking turns and soft touches helps the new friendship develop. If Megan and Brandon are playing together for the first time and Megan hits Brandon, take her hand and softly touch Brandon’s hand while saying “Megan needs to touch Brandon softly, she does not hit her friend.” Keeping the playdate short will provide enough positive time without either new friend becoming over stimulated or tired. As the child grows older the time with friends can be increased.
Problems will develop and when they do the child needs to know he can discuss the problem calmly so there is not an explosive fight. Once the discussion begins, each party states his or her side. Together, a compromise can be offered and each party can agree or continue to discuss the problem to revise the compromise. Once a final compromise is reached, each party agrees and leaves the discussion knowing exactly what is expected. If two friends want to play different games they may discuss why each wants to play their game and they could compromise to play one game first then the second. They may want to set a time limit for each game so it is fair.
Using "I messages"
A valuable skill to teach a child is to use “I messages.” When a child gets their feelings hurt she can say “I feel hurt because you told me I could not go to the park” instead of throwing a temper tantrum to get their point across. The “I message” gives the child ownership of her feelings and an appropriate skill to voice her feelings instead of assigning blame to others. It is important to acknowledge her feelings and let her know she has been heard. The parent can respond by acknowledging her feelings, which does not mean she will get her way, but that the child has been heard and her feelings understood.
Relationships can be hard at any age. Providing a child with good communication skills will prepare them for all relationships and can be a valuable lesson, which will follow them through life.