How to Stop Arguing With Your Children

Follow these techniques

by Burt Segal, LCSW

We sometimes expect our children to obey orders and not question authority. While the issue of superior rank may be clear in the armed forces, it is not always so clear at home. If you’re tired of fighting with your children try these two techniques that are guaranteed to improve their compliance.

Let’s take a child’s refusal to eat breakfast as an example. This battle can be avoided with a simple technique called reflective listening or mirroring. A parent makes direct eye contact with the child and repeats exactly what the child has just said. The parent should then avoid engaging in an argument.

A mom could look her child in the eyes and calmly say “It sounds like you don’t want to eat breakfast.” After this she should move away from the immediate area and give the child the time and space to make a good decision. Most often the child will make a breakfast selection and the battle will end before it begins.

You simply allow him to appropriately express how he feels and you acknowledge his right to have his own desires. In most cases you will find this technique eliminates struggles and gains compliance. If it doesn’t, you implement your usual consequences without the battle.

The second method is called the Illusion of Choice. This technique provides children with some feeling of control over their lives while achieving the desired outcome for the parent. Let’s use bath time as an example. Dad says “Time for your bath Laura.” As she watches television Laura replies “I don’t want to take a bath tonight.”

Rather than arguing, you can use the Illusion of Choice in this way. Instead of telling Laura it’s time for a bath dad says “Laura do you want to use the red towel or the blue towel for your bath tonight?” He gives no choice about taking a bath but does make the child feel there are some decisions in her control. Usually the child will pick one option and take the bath without an argument.

This works well for the following reasons. We all want to have some level of independence and some measure of control over our lives. Generally people do not like to be ordered what to do, how to do it and when to do it. As parents we often have to direct our children into accomplishing tasks. The manner in which we do this can make a big difference.

Using these techniques will help you avoid daily battles and give your children the feeling that they have some control over their lives. A more positive parent-child relationship will be the result.

Burt Segal is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 years of experience counseling military families. He often writes and lectures on parenting topics.