‘Standing by’
Navy wife speaks out about separation and sacrifice
By Vivian Greentree
Like many military spouses, Alison Buckholtz was introduced into the military culture through marriage. In her book, “Standing By: The Making of a Military Family in a Time of War,” Buckholtz records the crash course she took into the foreign land of the Armed Forces. She touches on the repeated and prolonged separations of military families, the effects on children, the martial strife and the milspouse identity crisis – to name a few. Buckholtz spoke to Military Spouse about her journey and what she would tell a newlywed married to the service:
What motivated you to write this book?
I wrote the book I desperately needed to read. That’s what I was searching for in all the old books about being a military wife that I picked up at estate sales in the years following my marriage to Scott, who is an active-duty Navy pilot.
I’m from a non-military family, and I never knew any service members growing up. The Armed Forces was like a foreign land to me, one with its own lingo, traditions, social mores, and ways of conducting friendships. I thought there must be some magic formula to being a military wife, some key that would unlock the secrets. Of course, that was far from the reality, and I learned fast that every military spouse tackles hardships in her own way.
My way turned out to be questioning and challenging out loud, in the form of this book. Working through these issues has educated me about the history of military spouses and the role of the military in American society and culture, and it made me a much more committed and loyal American.
What was your main goal in writing it?
So many non-military friends have asked me, “How do you do it?” Time and again, people wonder how I (and by extension, all military spouses) handle life on my own while my husband is deployed to a dangerous part of the world for nearly a year to fight in a war. I have never been able to answer this question in a sentence or even in an entire conversation. It’s too complicated to reduce to a few dozen words, and the positives and negatives of life as a military family are difficult to outline in a way that avoids clichés or trite responses. So “Standing By” is my own, very personal, nuanced answer to “How do you do it?” as well as the corollary, "Why do you do it?”
What’s the response been like?
Many, many military spouses have written to me to say thank you for telling their story. They’ve passed the book along to their parents, siblings, and civilian friends so that those close to them can gain a deeper understanding of what they go through.
What is the best advice you could give to a newbie spouse now that you’re more seasoned yourself?
Always speak in your own voice; don’t feel like you have to fit into a cookie-cutter role. When it comes to volunteering or working with your spouse club or unit, do what you’re good at, because if you contribute what you love to do, it will be fun for you and you’ll want to stay involved. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, and don’t be afraid to cry – even in front of other people.
Any last thoughts you’d like to share with us?
I think there’s a mistaken idea among military spouses that silence equals loyalty – that we have to be as stoic as our husbands and keep a stiff upper lip despite the challenges. This keeps us from being honest with each other and from supporting each other. It’s only when you show your vulnerabilities to others that they show theirs to you, and there can be a true exchange of feelings and constructive advice.