Sounds-Too-Good-To-Be-True-Syndrome

What to share with your spouse during deployments?

by Sarah Smiley


Just before my husband's first deployment, a counselor from Fleet and Family Support came to speak to the spouse club and told us not to share bad news via email with your husband while he is at sea.

The idea made sense to me at the time. Sharing bad news (dead car battery, arthritic dog, spilled milk behind the refrigerator) could only make my husband, Dustin, feel powerless to help when he is several times zones away. Besides, wouldn't he have enough to worry about on his own without me adding to the list?

For half of that first deployment, I only shared good news with Dustin when we communicated through email and the occasional phone call. I was sure to always sound chipper and upbeat about things back home. Even when I had no clue where to find the paperwork for the insurance on our car, I stayed mum.

Then one day I received an email from Dustin. "You seem so distant," he said. He didn't feel part of everyday lives. My silence was creating even more distance between us.

I realized then that Dustin was suffering from the everything-sounds-too-good-to-be-true syndrome. Instead of making things easier for him, my lack of communication about everything -- good or bad -- had actually created more stress for Dustin, who knew that three months couldn't have passed without a single incident.

So I told Dustin what the counselor had said and he immediately dismissed it. He wanted to know everything that was on my mind, not just the good stuff, while he was away. He wanted to feel apart of our everyday life.

This strategy doesn't work for all military couples. In fact, I have close friends who said they and their spouse are happier when they don't share bad news during a deployment. This raises the idea that there is no one-size-fits-all method for dealing with deployments. Instead of telling families how and what information to share, counselors should tell them to talk about all the options before deployment and agree on a strategy that works best for them.