Keeping Your Sex Life During Deployment

by Heidi Russell Rafferty

Use personal objects to feel physically close. 

Sleep with your husband’s shirt that smells of his cologne–“anything tactile that will evoke memories,” Kanaris says.

Jill* sent her husband a pillowcase that featured her photo and the phrase “Sleep with me at night.” Because he’s a medic who frequently travels on missions, she also sent him a clipboard with her picture attached to it. Most importantly, both husband and wife made a recording of their voice and agreed to play it if they were having a bad day. When Jill was unable to talk to her husband and felt she needed to hear him, she just turned it on.

Another tangible item is a ripped page from a sex journal, Davidson says. “Keep a diary of all of your sexual thoughts that come to mind over the period of a week or a month. Then send it to him. That’s a level of intimacy that couples don’t have on a regular basis. It’s a peek inside your mind in a way he ordinarily doesn’t see,” she says.

Use technology to discuss things other than your mortgage.

Couples often feel they should use precious phone minutes or short email access to discuss their child’s grades, bills, flat tires–anything but sex.

Here’s where the Dirty Thursday concept comes into play. Don’t feel guilty about using today’s technological tools of instant messaging, email and cell phones to communicate racy feelings, therapists say. You could even take it a step further: Jill uses her web cam to flash her husband now and then.

If you’re concerned about eyes prying into your spicy emails, or someone walking into your video teleconference at the unit, create code words. Susan’s email subject lines would read, “Here’s some FUN mail for you.” Filters pick up obvious words, which then trigger computer monitors to delve into your secret messages. So if Susan wrote about sex she inserted dollar signs and ampersands within each word.

Davidson advises to “just get over” the fear of someone else reading your mail. “You know what? Screw it,” she says. “If they want to get off on your fantasies, more power to them. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and at most, they’ll say, ‘Wow, isn’t he lucky?’”

One caveat: If dirty talking wasn’t part of your sexual repertoire before your husband left, check to make sure both of you are open to it, Kanaris says. If you were nonverbal before, your sudden chattiness might raise doubt or suspicion, especially in a war zone where worries about infidelity can easily escalate, he says.

“Prepare for erotic communication, and then that gives you the green light,” he says.