Deployment Sex Tips

by Heidi Russell Rafferty

Use your imagination to … well, you know. 

There’s nothing wrong with self-gratification. In fact, it’s paramount if it helps you feel stronger and not deprived, Davidson says.

“It’s the best thing you can do,” Davidson says. “It’s like exercise. If you don’t exercise daily, you can’t run a marathon or lift a big, heavy weight. You need to stoke those embers of desire through self-pleasuring and fantasy. Sometimes it’s reading erotic novels or seeing a sexy movie. It’s not like you can turn on the spigot when you want to get it up for your partner if you’ve been dry for so long,” Davidson says.

Masturbation should depend on your personal comfort level, Kanaris says. “I would not say it’s mandatory. People of [some] religious backgrounds find it unacceptable. But is it something that is sex-positive? I absolutely think it is. It might lead to an improvement in the sexual relationship when he comes home.”

Or, do nothing and wait. 

Not everyone communicates about their sexual needs during deployment. Monica* and Hayley* each shut down that area of their lives until their husbands return. Doing so helps strengthen other areas of their relationships and hypes anticipation, Monica says.

They each tried to be explicit with their husbands, but that only served to increase frustration. “It made us miss each other more,” says Hayley, adding that the decision to keep “the sex topic” off-limits helped with the reunion. “I didn’t feel estranged from him, because we have so much communication. I told him he would be ‘ready to bust,’ and I was, too, and that he should just ‘go for it.’”

Waiting also led to a steamy reunification for Monica. Rather than hop right into bed, she and her husband watched the Super Bowl and had terrific foreplay during the commercials.

“We had several hours of build-up,” she says. “For us, it was a long, drawn-out experience, slow and soft, and it took away the shyness.”

Reunion Sex Tips

Pretty soon you’ll be back in his arms again, but you’re feeling anxious. Here are some ideas from military wives and Dr. Joy Davidson on creating a blissful encounter:

• Ask one of your friends to light candles and spread rose petals around your house about 10 minutes before you arrive home. Make sure the music’s playing when you walk in the door, too.
• In-laws won’t stay away? Tell everyone who’s waiting at home that you have to run an errand that will take about an hour. Then drive your spouse to a hotel (where you’ve made a reservation) and indulge in a quickie.
• Your house is filled with people to welcome hubby home, and no one is leaving. At every opportunity, when you’re out of eyeshot, snatch kisses, grab a feel–even drag him into the closet for 30 seconds if you must–to let him know how much you’re looking forward to the hours ahead.

Not ready for a hop in the sack just yet? Build up slowly with a make-out session. Hold hands. Gaze into each other’s eyes. The rest will follow.