Romance After the Baby Arrives
9 ways to improve your relationship after having a baby.
by Julie Steed
Our lifestyle is unique and has challenges no civilian spouse can imagine. When I had my second child in Okinawa, it was weeks until my mom was able to visit and take some of the burden from my shoulders. My husband and I (yes, in an unprecedented turn of events, he was home!!) were challenged with juggling two children under the age of 3. When our 6th anniversary rolled around mere weeks after I gave birth, we were thrilled to celebrate with a movie at the base theater.
It is shocking how hard you suddenly have to work when an infant comes into your life! All of the added responsibility can leave you with little time or desire to do anything else. However, nurturing your marriage during this pivotal time is critical.
Dr. Marjorie Blum, an Atlanta psychologist who specializes in pre-and post partum adjustment for couples warns, “Parenthood is a time of enormous shift in individual identity as well as in family relationships.”
Stay connected with your husband by following these suggestions.
1. Communicate.
Acknowledge the change in your relationship and find times to talk about it in a calm and relaxed atmosphere. “Good communication smoothes the transition,” said Dr. Blum. “Don’t let resentment build, but deal with issues together. Your partner can’t read your mind.”
2. Take a shower.
Common tasks like showering, combing your hair and wearing spit-up-free clothes were once a no brainer, but now your time is eaten up with feeding, diapering, and trying to get sleep. Pause for a look in the mirror and occasionally show your husband you are trying to look nice for him.
3. Hire a cleaning service.
Wouldn’t it be easier to shower and do other daily tasks if someone else were dusting and cleaning your toilets? Hire a cleaning service and spend the time you would have used for cleaning to relax with your husband. If you can, begin saving money for this luxury before baby is born.
4. Take advantage of help.
When moms, in-laws, and girlfriends offer to help, accept graciously. Melissa, military spouse and mom of Amber (8), Austin (6) and Aero (1), said, “We go out to a movie and dinner whenever we have family in town.” It is not necessary for a new mom (or dad) to go it alone. Dr. Blum recommends new parents, “Be willing to seek help from each other as well as from outside sources. People want to help.” When your military family offers to bring meals, answer with a resounding “yes!” and know that you will have opportunity to help others when the time is right
5. Watch TV together.
Stacey, military spouse and mom of 5-month-old Callee, used to go out frequently with her husband. Now she and her husband choose to rent movies and watch them together at home. Modern technology makes it easier than ever to wait until the house is quiet before starting a movie or TV show. Melissa and her husband watch the same shows each week, “Now that there is the DVR, we can wait until the children are asleep before starting our shows.” Make television time even more special by preparing a cheese and cracker tray or other favorite snack.
6. Have an adult-only meal.
Derick, active duty dad of Mattie (7) and Caroline (4), started “grown-up” meals when Mattie was an infant. Seven years later, the tradition has become a regularly scheduled event. Once a week, when Derick is home, one spouse prepares the children for bed, while the other cooks or picks up carryout. Derick and his wife enjoy an uninterrupted meal and adult conversation. At least most of the time. “It is a nice time to sit down and talk to your spouse about something other than … whatever your children’s favorite activities are.”
7. Get out of the house.
Schedule a time to get out of the house and have fun. Whether you choose to spend an hour or two each month or several hours each week, relax and reconnect with your spouse. Fun and quick destinations include coffee shops, ice-cream parlors, a favorite restaurant, or a local bookstore. Take a blanket to the park and star gaze, choose an activity that you enjoyed together before you were parents, or take advantage of the time alone to explore the area surrounding your current duty station.
8. Schedule times for intimacy.
Stacey points out that Callee sleeps in her crib; “Not having the baby sleep with us helps. Just watching TV and falling asleep together is huge.” Melissa and her spouse share their room, and often their bed, with Aero. They look for other opportunities to be alone together. “My husband sometimes comes home while Aero is napping, and we just hang out.”
Dr. Blum suggested, “After a few weeks, begin to find ways to have alone time, even in the house. Even several minutes of being with each other can make a difference.”
9. Establish a ritual.
“Creating rituals fosters positive expectations and anticipation,” explained Dr. Blum. She suggests the simple ritual of kissing good night every night, no matter what has happened during the day. A ritual that you now begin with your spouse can carry over to a fun pastime to share as your children grow and as your family moves from one duty station to another, and another, and another …