Pillow Talk
Remaking bedtime routines after deployment
by Mollie Gross
Sleeping in the bed with your spouse again after a deployment is a totally different subject than sex.
If you ladies were like me, you had to acquire some bizarre sleeping rituals to get some rest at night during the months of separation.
My husband was really freaked out by the new nighttime routine. At one point in the deployment my bedtime had moved from 11 p.m. to about 2 a.m. Instead of sleeping on the left side of the bed like I had prior to the deployment, I would now sleep in the middle of the bed surrounded by a nest of pillows.
I bought this tiny squishy pillow that I had to sleep with on my stomach to make up for the fact that Jon was not there. By the time Jon got back, I was used to it and needed it to sleep. He hated that this tiny pillow was always between us. This new pillow became his archrival. When I wasn’t looking, he would toss it across the room. I would go insane like Linus wanting his blanket.
JAMMIE-PACKED
Whenever Jon complained about having to sleep in the bed with one leg hanging off the side because there was no room, I would tell him to be glad I did not have the taser under my pillow anymore.
I had a cat on the pillow above my head, another by my feet and sometimes the dogs in the bed too. The bed was jam-packed. Jon had to fight for a position.
I was still living like a bachelorette and not being very courteous. I was not the only one adjusting after a deployment.
‘X’ MARKS THE SPOT
Often when sleeping, I would spread out into an "X" shape and he would wake up in a corner of the bed. To get me back for my interpretive sleep routine, he would tell me in the morning that my breath "smelled like Iraq" and one time even put on a gas mask so when I rolled over there he was in his protected armor.
FREDERICK’S OF MOO MOO
I had taken up sewing during the deployment and had hand stitched about 10 different moo moo-like nightgowns. I was very proud of handmade designs. They looked like a cross between a dress in “Mama’s Family” – complete with ruffles, a high neck and lace – and a dress worn on “Little House on the Prairie.”
To Jon they were a huge sexual turn off, but to me they were really soft and comfortable. I liked to wear my moo moo with a pair of thick socks from Costco.
Jon would hiss under his breath at night when I emerged from the bathroom in one of my handmade gowns. He would say one word, but it sounded like a threat, “MOO MOO!”
CIVIL SERVICE
I would try to initiate sex, but he wouldn’t respond. I told him, “Let’s play fantasy! It’s the civil war. You’ve been injured on my father’s land, and I hid you in the barn ...go with it!”
My role-playing fantasy was a no go. I did not understand why he cared what I wore to bed. We had a healthy sex life, what was the big deal?
Deep down I knew I was being selfish and was putting my comfort before my man's needs of seeing his wife look attractive. I was not willing to change my routines to let him back in.
CUDDLE COMPROMISE
Eventually, I saw the error of my ways, I needed to let my husband know he was a part of our home again, and I was ready to be a wife again. I put all my moo moos in storage. I got excited about buying cuter, hipper looking jammies at Target.
I liked the new attention I got from my man by looking sexy instead of like his grandma. My sex life and sleeping habits got even better.
I did ask for one compromise: If I wore cuter nightgowns for Jon, I got to keep the socks on.
Two years after his last deployment we are still fighting over the tiny pillow. I’m working on it.
Mollie Gross is a former Marine Spouse, author, and professional standup comedienne. She travels to military bases performing her Military Wife Comedy Show. To see her tour schedule, clips from her show, or buy a copy of her audio CD please visit www.molliegross.com or www.myspace.com/janewaynecomedy.