Relationships - Mother-in-Law: When three's a crowd

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Mother-in-Law: When three's a crowd

Dr. Laura Schlessinger, family counselor and military mom, addresses the age-old debate of mothers-in-law versus daughters-in-law.

by Heidi Russell Rafferty

The beach in Virginia resembled a World War II scene out of Normandy: Amphibious crafts filled with Navy service men floated towards a wintry shoreline as family members craned to spot their loved ones returning from Persian Gulf deployment.

Marshele Carter Waddell, a wife of a Navy SEAL, hadn’t seen her husband, Mark, in seven months. It was so cold that the sand crunched like snow under her feet, and the wind penetrated her bones, but she was hot to wrap her arms around Mark and take him straight to her bed.

Suddenly, she spotted him. But as she started to run, she heard another woman calling his name: “Marky! Marky!” The voice grated on her ears like nails scraping a chalkboard. Together, they raced towards her beloved, but when they got there, the woman to grab him first was his mother.

“I was in shock,” Waddell says. “I couldn’t believe we were both running across the beach for my husband. We aimed for him among hundreds of men and then were both hugging him, and I thought, ‘This is weird. This is not right.’”

Family Feud

The scene is all too familiar to many military wives, who anxiously await their husbands’ return after many months only to find they are in a competition with their mothers-in-law for his attention. Today, Waddell laughs good-naturedly about the now-comical race with her mother-in-law on a beach (which occurred in 1998). She’s the author of Hope for the Homefront, (and a companion Bible study book with the same title published by New Hope Publishers, August 2006) and speaks to military spouses worldwide about their relationships.

How do you diplomatically and lovingly relate to the mother of your husband, who has experienced her own unique emotional traumas during deployment?

“Mother-in-law and daughter should not compete with one another for the deployed man's affection. He is not a pork chop to be divided up in two,” advised Dr. Stephanie Buehler, a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist who works with U.S. Marine families in Irvine, Calif. “You should forget your ego and stand together as two women who both love the same man, in different ways and for different reasons.”

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jaz	12/19/2007 7:03:08 AM
I read this as a mother and a military wife. I never had this problem with my in laws, and I would always stand back and wait,if I was ever in this situation with a daughter in law. However, always remember, mothers are forever, daughter in laws come and go!! The daughter in law often understands the bond at the birth of their first son! I agree, the women in our soldiers life should be united. jaz
SSGSalsWife	12/19/2007 8:59:58 AM
As a military wife w/ a husband deployed I recently went through this with my mother in law when DH was here for R&R. We had NO time to go out on a date or be alone together because his Mom made plans for the whole family. I respect her dearly so I did not cancel on her plans. I think we had dinner with them 8 times out of the 15 day deployment. I don't want to take a son away from his mother but they have to learn that if they want their son to be happy... we kinda have to have time alone to MAKE him happy. We are his first priority in his life now. I just hope she can see that when DH comes home for good. -Oh on a side note, I am kinda disapointed in the way the article abruptly ended. Just as I thought I was going to get some advice it just stopped
L	12/19/2007 10:26:10 AM
Not all DIL's come and go. I must say that comment bothers me. My MIL has said that to me on several occasions, and my rebuff is that she too is a DIL. And I don't think I need to have a child to understand that bond - I do have parents myself. While I think it would be great for wives and mothers alike to get along during a deployment, for the vast majority that is just not possible. Mothers know their son's as children who are dependent on them, wives know their husbands as grown men with families and responsibilities to take care of. It is ashame that this article is so short and says little about how to close the gap between mothers and wives of soldiers.
GR8Chick	12/26/2007 10:30:00 AM
I agree with L - - the article didn't really provide much guidance; it basically stated the obvious. My MIL was ridiculous when my husband was home for the birth of our son and is now upset that she is not invited to the homecoming. I think if more MILs respected their son's marriage this wouldn't be such an issue. I know that I tried very hard to form a positive relationship with my MIL and she was impossible. As far as DILs coming and going - - I'm not going anywhere; but my MIL is starting to be excluded from our lives because of her behavior.
amarineshonie	12/31/2007 10:44:20 AM
My husband has informed his family that they will not know about his homecoming date until he is already home. This is mostly due to a few facts 1) WE got married and he left 2 months later, 2) his relationship with his family has always been a strained one. He as an adult feels that he can dictate who he wants to spend his time with, and WITHOUT pressure from me said that he needed the time with his wife, not his mother and that is what would happen.
Heather N	12/31/2007 4:00:56 PM
I agree the article I expected a bit more in the article. My DH and I did not tell mine or his family about his first R&R until he had been home for 3 days. Because I wasn't sure how much decompression time he'd need my boss was the only one aware he was coming home. My DH had also previously had a conversation with his mother after my brother came home and his wife, kids, and our mother raced for him and had his time planned out. When my DH's mother made the comment that it didn't seem far and his wife and kids should have had priority. My DH just simply said I hope you remember that in the future.
SocialButterfly	1/24/2008 12:58:46 PM
This article really didn't state much of a solution. It ended too quick! While a mother is very important in a mans life, he leaves his family to be joined with his new one, his wife. While time should be shared, most of it should be spent with his wife. The mother has had him for most of his life...let someone else have him for a while! As far as the comment DNLs come and go but mothers are forever...that's a laugh and completely untrue.
Christy	1/24/2008 1:09:27 PM
I know that all of this is based around the MIL and DIL fighting for time with the DH. However, how should one deal with the fact that it is the DIL's mother that is having an issue with sharing her with the DH and not the MIL sharing the son? I don't know if anyone else has this issue or not. When my husband was home for 10 days at Christmas before going back to be deployed to Iraq, my mother had my days filled with things she needed done. I felt like I was fighting with her to be able to spend time with him. If I declined to do what she needed she made me feel as if I did not care about her as much as my husband. Any suggestions???
SocialButterfly	1/24/2008 1:12:33 PM
Christy, I think that's aweful that she's making you do everything when you should be spending time with him! I would tell her that you care so much for your husband that you want to give him what he really wants...time with you!
JeannetteSamuels	1/25/2008 8:01:50 AM
When my DH went to Basic Training Me and my son stayed at my DMIL'S home......we both used to run to the mail box waiting for his letters....and we both had letters....it was so touching!!We told each other what he wrotte us (Mmmm...Mmmm)except for those types of letters....lol We both had different subjects to talk about...NOT A PROBLEM!!even when we reunited we both knew she will go 1st for the simple reason SHE IS THE MOTHER, THE 1ST WOMAN OF HIS LIFE, SHE GAVE HIM LIFE!! I will get my share after dat lmao...aint no reason to be mad really, we both get to hug,kiss, see and listen to him. Some of US ladies need to grow up and see and call things by their reall name!!
Christy	1/27/2008 2:40:33 AM
Thank you for the suggestion SocialButterfly. I did talk to her and I think she understands now. Or at least I hope she does. This situation will not happen again, ever.
Stephanie	1/28/2008 11:48:01 PM
I really don't agree with this article either I agree with you GR8Chick. My MIL is also starting to be excluded because of her behavior. She acts more like a mistress than a mother. I've tried to get along with her but if things aren't exaclty the way she wants them then forget it. She only has time for us if she gets wind that we have plans. If it's our idea to have dinner or something then she is too busy because then she is not rining anything for us and that is her goal. She is furious because my husband is not calling her from deployment and we won't tell her when his R&R is and she wants to be there for homecoming and DH doesn't want her there and neither do I. I'm sorry but a wife has a place and a mother has hers and they are not the same place.
HowitzerWife	2/7/2008 12:45:35 AM
Wow, I don't hear any posts or comments about FIL's. Wonder why that is?
Blackhawk_wife	2/7/2008 5:22:22 PM
I have this problem with my MIL. Sorry those of you out there that disagree, but a son is only a son until he gets married. Then his first responsibility is to his WIFE and CHILDREN! Not mommy dearest. I wouldn't invite her to homecomings just like I wouldn't invite anyone else for the simple reason that our FAMILY needs to re-bond before others are brought into it. I have two sons myself and I know that it will be hard for me to see someone else take my place, but I'll do it because it's the natural order of things. In the Bible it says that a man will leave his parents and cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one. NOWHERE in that does it say that mommy will still have first place.
Stephanie	2/8/2008 9:09:43 PM
AMEN!!!
anangelsmom	2/10/2008 7:19:30 PM
I have to say if many women put them selfs in their MIL's place with their own kids they would see the pain and fear they have for their child. yes he is a grown man but she gave birth and raised him for 18 yrs and then some. just because he is married doesnt mean her love goes out the window. If some women would see the love they have for their kids and how they would feel if they went to war and came home after a long deployment some may back off and give their In laws the time they need for they are not always around and you as their wife is.. I feel for the In laws .. I get a long with my Inlaws due to I understand and we have come up with some bondries that we all respect most wives dont even want to see the other side till they are faced with it them selfs.... I say have the talk come up with a comman ground.. in the end it will work out for you respect them for raising the love of your life and turning him into the man you love and care for.. I say again see the other side of a mothers love.. you will be a MIl soon and what comes around goes around... And I hope and pray your DIL sees your love and pain if and when your child ships out.. I will close with what some one already said .. A mothers Love is forever a wife's love can leave at any time...
proudofmypilot	2/10/2008 8:00:55 PM
Well said Blackhawk_wife!!! I've had problems with my MIL (and FIL) since the day I said "I DO"... they have NO concept of boundaries. My husband deployed last month and my in-laws were not invited, neither was anyone else. They were NOT happy to say the least. This is the reason my husband decided he won't be returning "home" for R&R, he and I are going to meet elsewhere for a vacation! We've been together 10 years, married almost 7... you'd think they'd get a clue! My in-laws are also starting to be excluded from our lives by their actions. Most of my friends have problems with their in-laws but not to this extent... I'm glad to know other wives are having the same problems with their in-laws!
Tllarmywife	2/12/2008 10:39:20 AM
My Husband has/will be deployed and away from our little family(2yo daughter,another due March08) for roughly 31 months out of our 3 year marriage. EVERY homecomming and EVERY sending away MIL insists on comming down the weekend he is either comming home or the weekend he is getting home and staying for a week. The last couple of times my husband has resorted to lying to his mother about his deployment dates, and homecomming dates, so that we could have some time alone. I was esp. disturbed to find out that his first deployment she never acted this way, and didn't come see him for either deploy/homecomming. But since we have gotten married she has only gotten this way, wanting to see him before he deploy/homecomming . I myself am very protective over my husband and children, she makes promises and doesn't follow thru with them like sending care packages. So, I feel I have to make up for it some how, because I hate having him let down.
Wimi	2/20/2008 9:38:37 PM
I had the same issues with my MIL. However, I had a talk with her last year and explained that my son gets the first kiss. I get the second because we just extend the greeting with my son into a family hug. Telling her this was not easy, but it was worth it. I recognize that she is his mother and we're sharing a week's worth of his r&r next month.
rkp0211	3/19/2008 12:19:09 PM
I must say I am very lucky, my MIL is great and I have not had these issues with her. In fact, she is very supportive of our marriage (after all it was 15 years in coming). But seriously, I know women who have refused to let the MIL call the week prior to deployment, remember Ladies, as much as you love your DH, she is his Mother and that's a bond you can not break. Come together, talk about expectations prior to deployment so everyone is on the same page.
jessirae	3/19/2008 12:37:48 PM
My husband left for Iraq 3 days after we got married, that was difficult because we went on our honeymoon and MIL would have liked to spend the time with her baby (she did get in lots of time before the wedding though). When he came home on R&R she was very understanding, wanted to make sure she saw him, but also knew that he has his own family now. She did get mad when my family wanted to see him too (I was living in Chicago and they all happened to be at my place for Thanksgiving when he arrived, all family lives in PA). We spent a total of 4 days with family (and got a hotel room to get out of the crowded house until they all went home), 2 with my family and 2 with his. His dad couldn't take more time off work, so it worked out well that we were in a different state. I know she gets mad sometimes and has a little trouble letting go, but as far as MIL's go, it's only natural. His homecoming will be to Germany, and we haven't talked about his family coming, so I think we'll be good there. JAZ... I know this is the 21st century, and call me old-fashioned, but DIL's should not come and go! They should be just as permanent as Mothers are. Just be open with your MIL and hopefully she'll understand, she'll probably have her feelings hurt and have trouble letting go, but in the end, seems the best way to handle things.
kammaj	3/19/2008 12:49:27 PM
I, too was disappointed because the story seemed to have ended abruptly. I was expecting some type of closing with advice. I don't agree that DIL's come and go. I think that if a MIL feels that way, it will project to her relationship with the DIL and potentially hurt the relationship. I would like to think that my husband and I are going to be married for a very long time if not forever. I really think that once a son gets married that the person he married along with the children are priority because that becomes his immediate family. A mother, of course, should never be forgotten just because of marriage either.
Rebecca	3/19/2008 2:45:50 PM
Wow! Reading all this unhappiness is very depressing. I am glad that I have a wonderful MIL. She is a dream. We both respect each other to the fullest. I find that the most important thing that you can do as a DIL is keep your DH's family updated. That means call them, send them pictures of the kids, just keep them involved. Because as someone else said what goes around comes around! You treat you MIL poorly and you know what you have to look forward to. Also, why put that stress on your DH? I think that it is just pure selfishness and a power struggle really. DIL's need to learn how to respect other people in their husband's lives! There shouldn't be a first or second place when it comes to giving and showing love!
lsmariev	3/19/2008 3:11:06 PM
Hi to all, I'm a new army wife, DH still in training. I also didn't like the ending of the article because it didn't show us way to handle this situations. I also don't like what they are saying that wives come and go, that's so negative to say. Is so great that some of the wives have great MIL and that they respect there time, etc. But there is some MIL that can't let go of their sons, and is true and is not that we are inmature. My MIL is a great person, but when I don't see my husband for a long time, I don't want that the 1st day of his leave to be at home, has to be with all the family, I want sometime alone and do some bonding, that we can not do while other family members are present. I know she is his mom and she is going to spend time with him, of course, is not like I want him all for myself, but I'm his wife and I should be first as He is first for me. Loyda
Rebecca	3/19/2008 4:00:48 PM
I can completely understand needing alone time. My husband and I have set the boundaries and this started way back when he would just go underway for a couple days. When he got back from an underway (I lived in NYC and him in VA) he would want to go out to the bar with the guys and not talk to me on the phone. We would fight like mad! So we communicated to each other what we needed to be happy. The same rules apply for deployments. We both have agreed that when he comes home it is just us for the first couple days. But we have also talked it over with his family so that they understand and realize that we love them and are not distancing ourselves. What I am trying to get at is that communication is #1 with any relationship this includes his family. Just because you are the wife doesn't mean you love him more then his mom, gaining you the spot of number 1 person. Family doesn't function well when you start ranking members. Everyone should have the same respect for one another and understand that it is not a competition for attention/affection, just loving the same person.
manat	3/19/2008 9:33:41 PM
I totally agree with Blackhawk Wife...However I have the problem with a SIL not the MIL. She crosses boudries that aren't her desicions to make...She's had it out for me since day one; and that was 11 years ago. I am not trying to be petty but the darn women acts as if she gave birth to my DH and his mother is still alive an well. I do find offense to the comment made that DIL's aren't forever...let us remeber that there are some mothers that aren't well meaning either. Also, yes the extended families have missed their loved ones; but they aren't the ones dealing with the sacrifices of the missing spouse, parent, companion, emotional/love support. I really think that once a son gets married that the person he married along with the children are his first priority next to his military commitments; because they become his immediate family esply. for the childrens sakes they need time to reconnect with thier father besides the voice on the end of a phone. The DH needs time to decompress from the deployment and reaclimate himself to the family dynamics along with his spouses desire to bond romantically that cannot be done with everyone around vieing for attention. The extended family should not be forgotten but back off...you will get your chance if you just have patience; another day or so won't make a differance in the aspect of a long deployment.
derekswife	3/20/2008 9:09:57 AM
I'm luck I have the best inlaws you could ask for. We all respect each others wishes. When he comes home they will be there that weekend maybe stay a week but they make sure we have our time. They even watch the kids for us to get away for a little while. You have to look at it this way. They go home sometime, and then they have to wait to see him again. You have him when he leaves. They are his parents no matter what they are who made him who he is and who you love. I am sorry DIL's are forever. I don't plan on going anywhere. So you do what you can to have an understanding and make it work.
MoJoe	3/21/2008 11:50:43 AM
Bottom line the husband or significant other should step up. It's his mother/father after all. If the husband will not step up then you should ask if you may say something to the inlaws. If this is not ok'd then it is time to choose what is most important to you. What is the most important thing? You? Your spouse? Your children?
SilC	3/25/2008 9:23:47 PM
Hello I was reading this article and i agree it didnt help very much, im sorry to hear that many of you ladies are having this same problem, i knew that i wasnt alone but its a comfort to me to read this blog because maybe we can find a solution, i too had, and i write had because now we live in the east coast, problems with my MIL. Now about the comment that JAZ made, i believe thats the reason why there is alot of tension between MIL and DIL, ppl who truly believe that comment, Im sure that i do not fully understand the love a mother has for her son, but i do have brothers and when my brother decided to marry my SIL, my mother let my brother go gracefully and accepted her new DIL into our family, now my story... my husband which was my finance at the time went of to bootcamp, he proposed be for he left, i would call his recruiter every day to see if he found out my DH div number, until i finally got it one day, i went over to my MIL home to give her the number, i told her i was there for the purpose and she responded with "no thank you" i was soo frustrated and angry how does a "mother" not want to write her son threw the hardships of going boot camp??? from what we knew of the recruiters and his cousin (his cousin is in the service as well) letters are what kept them going.. the long months passed by and he finally came home, he only had 5days leave till he had to go to A school, so our wedding was the weekend of his homecoming which was the day after he literally got of the plane, i wanted to spend a couple of hours with him b for going to his family so we can talk about the wedding and reconnect i mean we were beginning the rest of our life's the next day, and i was feeling a little insecure because of my MIL, i just needed to be with him so much, so my plan was for me to pick him up at the air port grab some lunch talk and finish talking on the ride home, well my MIL made other plans and invited the whole fam to go get him, which bothered me couse she did not invited me to go to the air port i found out through his cousin in law, and she knew i was planning to go, i decided to let it go, i knew she was exited to see him as much as i was so i thought i could wait till they all talked and bonded, well when we finally found him at the airport she literally pushed me and his lil bother back and jumped on him, i was like OMG i cant believe she did that, oh well i let it go to keep the peace, after all i had not seen him in for ever i was just happy he was in the same city as me :), he reaches to hug me and i to hug him when she literally puts her hands on me and shoves me out of the way and says, "hurry up to the car there is no time for this!" i was so mad at that point i had about enough of her, even after ALL of that i tried to keep the peace, she is about to become my MIL, the next couple of days were hell, anything that she could do to make it hard on me she did, the day after our wedding we came home to pick up some stuff bfor we left on a lil get away, she throws his laundry at me and says "theres his laundry you have to do it for him now, its durty" she was completely out of place, and never ever did i raise my voice at her or talked back to her, i have always been proper and polite, if theres anything she needs, like help with the kids or when she was sick i was always glad to lend a hand, i didn't understand what i had done to rub her the wrong way, my DH noticed all the things she would do, and now she is also excluded from our life, i do think its sad couse that is his mother and i would love for my kids to have a great relationship with their grandma, im more then open to the idea of having a great relationship with her, if she could just spend more time with me talk to me im open to it, i thought she was a fascinating women she brought up three kids on her own, just like my mother, but she is making things really hard, to all the mother in laws out there who believe that comment and give their DIL a hard time tell me.. what more could i do to make her get along with me? its hard as it is to be a wife and carry on a marriage, but we are MILITARY wifes we go threw more pain and trouble then civilian wifes do, threw deployments and tours of duty we stand strong by our men, shouldn't you be happy they found women like that? that care enough to be reading blogs like this to try and have a better relationship with you, not just for our sake but to give him peace of mind that his women will be strong for him? I dont know if you (DIL)ladies feel this way but when hes gone i would love to know that i have a friend in you a MOTHER in law not an anemy, when he is gone i need all the support that i can get and it be great to know your on my side.. to all the MIL you dont need to loose a son when you could be gaining a daughter.. to all the military wifes out there that stand by their Sailor, soldier, marine, airman, or coast men, hats off to us ladies dont let comments like that faze you your men know what they have theres a reason why they chose us just be strong and stick by your man!! sil
sfcwife01	3/29/2008 7:51:55 AM
It's terrible that this really happens but it does. My DH told my MIL she could only come to his going away party and not be there the day he left or the day he comes home. She was so mad that she decided to unleash to him EVERYTHING she did not like about me from the past 6 yrs, to include some lies. She even sent him a long email and at the bottom told him she would pray for him & our boys while he was gone. Leaving out me and my 2 children from my first marriage. While DH was gone she would send the little boys cards on holidays/birthdays but never to anyone else, that is until DH returned home. Then everyone started getting them again. Needless to say she has not seen any of us for almost 2 yrs. He told her this was how he wanted it. Take it or leave it. So she left it. As far as the DIL's coming and going. That was an unfair comment. Not all DIL's come & go. I have 3 boys and 1 girl. My girl is married to a Sailor. If we are asked to stand down when he leaves later this year, I will fully understand her feelings. My son in law means just as much to me as my 3 boys. If you find yourself in this situation the best you can do is discuss it with your DH. Let him know how you feel. Maybe your MIL won't be as stubborn as mine.
pwilcox	4/23/2008 5:57:25 AM
Wow, I liked reading this artical, but where's the help? I have that problem, my mother in law is always wanting the lime light. We have had a rough relationship, MIL and I, but I have learned to deal with her only because she is my husbands mother. My feeling is this, she lives a couple of towns away, and pretty much has nothing to do with us, however, she wants to be there when he comes home. I say and he says she should wait a day or so and let us visit together with our 3 children. But I just know that when it comes down to it, it will be all my fault, and that I am keeping her from her son. So a little advice from this artical would have been nice...
anangelsmom	5/7/2008 3:29:11 PM
everyone needs to see all deployments are hard on EVERYONE... not just the wife .. yeah we have to deal with being without our loved ones by our side.. but mothers sisters and brothers also have to deal with you if you go home and not stay where you belong at the base.. they have to deal with your tears and other things that come with a long deployment. they help you with kids and they help you with money and god knows what ever else and when its time for them to come home you want to push them away after all they have done for you?? thats wrong .. they have ever right to be there as you do .. without them you would be on your own taking care of your own kids and god knows what else you would have to do on your own.. Just have to say.. when that boat or plane comes go get your hugs and kisses and let the kids have that time too then step back and let his family have their turn for they where there too for you and for him.. its not that hard to look deep down and see the pic if you REALLY wanted too...just some of you are soo selfish and cant or dont want to see.. Like I said before... A mothers love is forever and she is not always around you are so let her have that time for you will have your time after family leaves... you have your whole life they may die tomorrow at their old age.. let them have that moment.. for me This time around this is our 3rd deployment and since I got all the homecomings and R and R's to my self this time around will be family.. his mom and dad will be the ones greeting him and then it will be his brothers and sisters .. after that the Best for last ME.. then the in laws will take the kids for the first free weekend he has and we will be off to a beach having our time.. see we all need our inlaws without them we dont have free child care we dont have a place to go for dinners and family gatherings... you think about what they do for you.. you may change your mind and let them in on the homecoming.. if they did a lot for you durning the deployment like take the kids off your hands and made you dinners or even gave you a place to stay for a few months the least you can do is let them see their son or daughter when they come home.. never seen so many selfish women in my life
sunshine	5/8/2008 3:41:12 PM
I must say that i enjoyed reading this article, also...i, also, agree that it shouldn't be a thug-of-war between the families! However, how do you respond to someone that has always made you feel like you didn't deserve their son or that he could have made a better choice then what he made. I know that's how i feel...at sometimes, with my MIL! It seems to me that she started getting very offended by me being with her son, right away! No one was really thinking marriage when we meet because we were actually very young when we meet. It always seemed as if she adjected to us right away...to me, she acted as if i was trying to steal something from her and i was only a child, then...sometimes, i still think she feels a certain way about her son and i being together and getting married at an early age (however, she says other wise!)
Tllarmywife	6/4/2008 11:48:50 AM
I have to write a comment for anangelsmom. I hear the angry tone in your writing and I'm sorry. Obviously your not doing well dealing with deployments, and your an angry person because of that. Could it be you feel your DIL stole your son away from you and is now his number one priority, or has taken your place in his heart. While it's true that when married the son/daughter now has a number one person that's not the mother, and that is a painful reality. Both sides of the Family have to understand they're the support structure, while the DH/DW isn't deployed they aren't taxed with seeing the weaker side of Military Spouse, or to step into the support role, while the DH/DW are gone the Military are gone it's the duty of anyone with a bit of humanity to step in, offer a bit of comfort, support or at least try to. For you to say that we belong on base is a completely ignorant comment. Military wives need support of loved ones on both sides of the family tree. A place to where we feel safe, the area around military bases isn't always the greatest/safest place to be when your a lone parent. In general THE EXTENDED FAMILY SHOULD NOT BE EXTRA IGNORANT if the they are asked to lend a hand or be supportive, if they are that is just adding salt to the wound from the DH/DW being deployed, and if done creates a rift that will always be remembered. When the DH/DW comes home everything goes back to normal, and the family goes back to being a support unit of it's own. Allow me to state this, WE(spouses) COME FIRST after marriage, the wife/husband and children are the immediate family, FIL, MIL,brothers, sisters are now extended family, and should remember that. . Being in the military is stressful for everyone involved, but more so for the children of the service member, and wife. The reason why I say this is OBVIOUSLY the husband and wife relationship is different from the Mother/DH/DW relationship (or at least it should be, if not you have bigger issues to deal with the being upset over a deployment). I have found that if the situation is bad enough with the MIL the DH/DW will sadly, slowly see that there is a problem and hopefully side with the Spouse. The best thing to do is SUCK IT UP on both the MIL and wife sides, they aren't the ones that are the most important the CHILDREN ARE. At least, I don't care what my MIL has to say or what she does, I protect my children, and make sure they know that I will always be there, and they are the most important thing to me. That is my priority, my children being happy, and knowing they are always loved.
Lyndz	6/6/2008 3:46:36 AM
Hello all!! im am a new army wife. my husband left for basic training in march he had a 53 hr break after not seeing him for 3 mo i was longing for alone time with him but i let his family know he would be on break it was up to them. i wouldnt keep him from them(even though deep inside i wanted too..lol) but i know they missed him just as much as me..anyway my MIL, FIL, SIL and BIL decided to just let me go...Thank God!!!haha they said they would see him at graduation a month later.which i will be going to as well my Husband said of course i will be the first one to get a hug i am his Wife :) but my MIL said this and a very good point at that "A Son is your Son TILL he takes A Wife, Your Daughters Your Daughter for Life." so that made me feel reassured she understands we're a family now and he NEEDS ME. WE need US time.i have not had to deal with a deployment,but somehow i think it'll be alright, she'll respect us.i have a pretty good MIL.We have a good relationship i keep her updated every time he calls i tell her or if i'm with her i let her talk to him.she appreciates it.when i went down on the 53 hr break he called her twice she was so excited.Good Luck with all those hard to get along with MIL at least TRY to get along with her. oh and one last thing that DIL aren't forever comment was really offensive..i'm stickin by my man.I'm not going anywhere EVER.been together a little over 6 yrs married 1 yr.not a lot but were on our track to FOREVER. oh and that comment to anagelsmom you have your whole life while MIL can die of old age or something like that.ppl die everyday regardless of age what bubble do you live in theres LOTS of teens being raped and killed and babies being killed. That's All.Take Care everyone.
joss	10/4/2008 1:49:26 AM
If that last paragraph constitutes advice, then writing "The world should be peaceful" amounts to an exit strategy for Iraq. For real in-law advice try the How to Set Boundaries with In-Laws article, the book Babyproofing Your Marriage, or Jacey Eckhart's The Homefront Club: The Hardheaded woman's guide to raising a military family.
Teraisa	10/6/2008 2:40:18 AM
I like that this emotional homecoming story is addressed. No one wants to feel as if they are competing and worse, to feel jealous over your loved one's mother. It's taboo to think it, much less read or write about it. I'd love to see Heidi Russell Rafferty write an additional article about how to deal sufficiently with this, and to let us know, it's OKAY to feel this way. Right or wrong doesn't matter; it's how you feel. How do the husbands feel? My husband's parents are both deceased, I've never and will never, have that problem. However, my best friend, also in the Army has said things about his mother and his mother-in-law that lead me to believe even the soldiers themselves have issues. Guilt. Imagine that, just like the spouses. Not one answer will fit all, so let's get many solutions. Thank you. Teraisa
tinkerbell	10/9/2008 7:36:14 PM
I totally agree with Blackhawk_wife 100% !!!! My husband was raised by single-mom. It seems like all she does is to call/talk about him.I know its coz she concerned for his safety/well-being/loves him very much but its just really really frustrating!! Dont get me wrong I like my MIL, its just hard sometymes!! Some tymes I wish she would just back off/let us live our lives......Im the wife/caretaker of her son now,not her!!sorry if I send selfish,but when it comes to my husband YES Im gonna be selfish !! I will admit so far she hasn't tried to come visit......yet.I guess all I can do is pray that God will make the 3 of us a happy family.........seems like its still just my MIL/my husband relationship.........I feel like the 3rd wheel.
Amanda M	11/24/2008 10:09:32 AM
I too am bothered by the "DILs come and go" comment. What ever happened to "leave and cleave"? Mothers may have been their first, but they should not be #1 in terms of priority. I agree with the amarineshonie- my in-laws NEVER know when my husband is coming off deployment, nor will they ever be invited to a homecoming. He calls them after we've had time to get reacquanited and back into our normal routine, which is usually one or two months after he's been back. When a man is married, his wife becomes his top priority. It is HER (the wife's) bed and dinner table that have an empty spot, as most servicemen do not live with their "mommies." Since we (the wives) have the larger day-to-day sacrifice in terms of time, companionship, sex, etc. it is WE who should get the first piece of our husband's time when the deployment is finally over.
Maldy	12/26/2008 4:28:17 PM
Hmm...I have enjoyed reading everyones post. The article...well...let's just say, i wished it had been longer and like many of you mentioned it would have been nice to have more feedback and suggestions on how to work through it. My thougts are that there should be no competition. Some Soldiers don't have a strong connection the there mom's for due to past history and others are very close to them. A wife plays an important role and so does a mother. I think it takes a understanding from both sides. A mother must understand that her Son has a family he needs to attend to and a wife needs to understand that although he is a grown man he will always be her little boy. A mother never stops being a mother. A wife never stops being a wife. The ideal thing in my opinion is compromise. Understanding each other and if at all possible...once the innitial reconnection has happened between husband, wife and kids...by all means include Mom...Remember...She gave him life and although she is no longer #1...She is the woman who took care of him and fixed the boo boo's...And for the Mom's who don't understand that Your once cute little boy is now a Husband...Remember, you raised him to be the best Man he could be...Be proud that he puts his family first and understand that DIL has missed him more than she can ever express with words. Spending time with together is a must. Wish everyone luck!. ME
tmartinbabygirl	1/16/2009 12:26:43 PM
My mother-in-Law lives with us. And I am getting a lil fed up with some of the decisions she feels that she is allowed to make. Am I over reacting? Even when he decides to call and ask her what's going on in our home?
Abbie R Army Wife Embroidery Diva	1/22/2009 7:19:34 PM
I really found the article to be bland and not full of really any useful information other than to be posted to promote the purchase and further reading of the authors book, and "motivational" speeches. Now if it talked about what to do with a MIL who chain smokes and makes 90% of her dishes with treenuts...when you have asthma and a tree nut allergy...EVERYTIME you come to visit her...and wont even crack a window...we'd be on..LOL..Oh yeah and I didnt like the comment about DIL's coming and going either...
ArmyWifey2007	4/24/2009 3:21:38 AM
I am lucky, my MIL understands that there is a time and a place for her when he comes home. She helps us out a lot when we need her to babysit our 1 year old so we can have alone time. We try to put aside family time so everybody's needs of attention are met.
amber	4/25/2009 12:26:18 AM
Honestly, I deal with this everyday. My mother in law wouldn't let me hug my husband before he left. You are telling me I need to forget my ego and let this happen?? NO can do. I love my husband. She needs to cut the cord and let us be married and happy. She even had his address changed to her address so that she would get the mail. How does this have to do with my ego?
	4/25/2009 9:33:07 PM
This article had an extremely abrupt ending... what's up with that? I also can't believe the first comment about "DIL's come and go." No matter how much I tried and how much crap I swallowed from my MIL in our 5 years of dating and first several years of marriage,she spent the first 10 years literally trying to break up our marriage. I spent way too much energy trying to please her. She has been so horrible over the years that we never go "home" anymore, and we will never live within a 12 hr driving distance. There began to be a turnaround when my husband and I both gave up on trying to please her or cater to her needs and criticism. We found the importance of boundaries. Over the last 5 years she began to see me in a different light. I guess she finally realized that my husband will choose a happy,healthy marriage over her wildly inappropriate behavior. She finally realized how much I have given up to support him and that our children are being raised by me 97% of the time and are amazing so I must be doing a good job. Sometimes mothers drive their sons away by their behavior. He has seen how many times I've been trampled on,treated badly and has had to take up for me too many times. Unfortunately, not every MIL and DIL are able to "share" and the family unit of husband, wife and children must come first. I am mindful of the sticky balance between not holding a grudge, yet keeping appropriate boundaries. My MIL is always welcome in our home if she can treat our marriage with respect and the two of us with respect. In some unfortunate situations, adult children must keep a respectful distance from their dysfunctional parents because the relationship is emotionally or verbally abusive. In that situation, clear boundaries are very important but so are second chances and forgivness. My husband and I have very clear boundaries with his parents and mine, but we are also open to the best relationship possible with our parents. Sometimes that means only a few visits per year, or leaving a heated situation in order to keep those healthy boundaries and our children witnessing the reasons why we made a life so far from "home." We have no doubt that if we had continued to allow her in our life without appropriate boundaries, she might have been successful in driving a wedge between us.
	9/28/2009 4:04:45 PM
I need my time with my DH. His family thinks I should have enough time with him because I live with him, but between his training and me working a full time job with rotating weekends off, I want to have that QT time with him. Just like they would want to spend time with the men in their lives, they need to know I want to do the same. I receive no calls from anyone in his family about him or how I'm doing when he's gone so I definately don't feel like I need to include her in any homecoming plans..until DH says otherwise.
Diaren	1/5/2010 1:29:20 PM
My husband has been away for his job for 8 months, those orders stopped just in time for deployment orders to begin, and started less than a week after we were married. My MIL has been nothing but a nightmare, and damn right, she is not going to be at his homecoming, nor will he spend his R&R with her. Both times will be for us and our baby who should be here when his leave starts. We are a family, and she'd not let her hubby's family make plans so her husband and she could not spend time together, esp. after trips of any kind, therefore she will not do it to me.
MrsCrystal	1/6/2010 12:03:25 AM
Yep, I'm having this problem right now. My husband is coming home for R&R and his Mom is coming to our house. I don't have a normal MIL though, she is a control freak and knows how to mentally manipulate my husband to get whatever she wants. To put in a nice way, the umbillical cord never got cut. She also takes our bed everytime she comes to visit, leaving us to the floor or an air mattress in the living room. (Yep, it's gonna be a blast sleeping with my husband on an air mattress in the living room during his R&R). OH, forgot to mention, she also took it upon herself to invite his aunt and then told us (not asked) that his aunt was coming too. We have 4 children and we live in a very small 3 bedroom house on Ft.Lewis, so 4 kids and 4 adults should be A BLAST. I'm only worried about this because she literally keeps my husband away from me every time she is around us. She sets up things for him and her to do and ALWAYS makes up excuses of why I can't go. I'm all up for mother and son bonding, please don't get me wrong. I actually am a very easy to get along with person, but I am NOT looking forward to my husband coming home for R&R and I am the annoying third wheel. (And please take my word...that's exactly how it's going to be). Yep, and a lot of it is my husbands fault too, it's like he is severly scared of her so he just gives in. So Ms Heidi, what's your advice on this? How do I honestly deal with this? I was thinking about just laying down and not saying anything and hopefully she takes so much rope that she trips her own self but on the other hand, I'm not exactly sure if that would do anything.
	1/8/2010 9:14:50 PM
Mrs Crystal, It's unfornuate that you and your MIL have a deminishing relationship. DILs and MILs are on two different levels and share different bonds.I think ther will always be problems between you all until that is established.There should not be any competition.I think you should pull your husband aside and tell him how you feel about the situation.I also believe that people only do what you allow them to do to you.You need to stand up for yourself ,your marriage, and your happiness.
SoldiersBeloved	2/17/2010 11:24:12 PM
lol i needed a good life and that one brought tears to my eyes from laughing so hard, I'm sure me being tired helped the slap happy part. but it was a good laugh. When my husband and I first met he was going off to basic, i always stayed back when we got to visit and when he came home just bc its her son and i'll get my chance after she's done with him. They actually had to push me to him cuz i was standing back waiting. Now that i'm his wife well i'll probably still wait or she'll tell me get up there go get him.
SoldiersBeloved	2/17/2010 11:53:10 PM
adding to that comment after reading everyone elses..i laughed just picturing the thought of the nails comment and so forth and running toward him at once..i live with my inlaws going on two years so ready to move out when he gets home from deployment. I really try hard to share him, it was hard when we weren't married bc we couldn't get away from them due to the fact that they didn't believe in us going and staying somewhere together alone and not being married..that sucked i had to bring them not just parents but the sister (pregnant at the time) and her husband with us to disney world bc they wouldn't let us go alone. yeh that trip sucked before his deployment but thankfully when he had r&r that's when we got married and we had 7 days of just us time they got time before the wedding which i barely saw him and a few days after the wedding. they also didn't call a millions times on our honeymoon they left us alone. So now that we are married and we still have to live here she gets her time and i get mine sorta. when we finally get to move out i'd love to move far away not like in the same neighborhood just bc i'm tired of living with the inlaws. I try to respect them but we have our differences and well i just don't voice them not yet anyways not till i'm out of their house.
Tabitha	3/5/2010 1:15:02 PM
Daughter in laws do not always come and go. I have faithfully and lovingly stood by my husband for 3 years through his deployments and his serious injury resulting in his amputation. I agree that the mother and wife have to be united for the one they both love. However, a man's loyalty should shift to the wife when he marries a woman. Mothers should remember this and respect this truth.
USAFwife	7/21/2010 7:02:44 PM
I just have my own personal feelings about this....I feel like the week before and after a deployment are an adjustment period for the couple and family, not extended family.
USAFwife	7/21/2010 7:04:54 PM
Also, the comment DIL's come and go irks me. I do not have any plans on leaving DH, although his mother has told me that relationships with MM never last (she divorced her Navy husband).
sdaut1	7/22/2010 3:19:29 PM
Wow! This article hits home for me! I too find myself offended by the commment Dl's come and go... I am NOT going anywhere... Its like saying all military wives cheat.. not true yet it continues to get said. I realize that my mother in law was here before I was but she also has to understand that her son is no longer a child. He is a grown man with a wife. Because my husband and I both work him in the army and myself in a full time job as a leasing consultant, our schedules are crazy as any one would imagine. I wish this article would give some advice on how to handle this situation b/c I honestly dont know what to do. It has gotten to the point that we are not speaking to her.
blondnesss	7/25/2010 1:52:23 PM
I understand what a lot of women are saying here. My husband is currently in therapy right now to work through all the issues surrounding him and his parents. The key thing the doctor keeps telling him is to set boundaries, and STICK WITH THEM! We have had a very hard first 5 years of marriage because of his parents, but things are starting to look up. It's all about the boundaries, because we are a husband and wife team, and we have to do what feels comfortable for US as a couple, just like his parents did and still do for themselves. We would NEVER overstep our boundaries with them, and our boundaries should be no different.
blondnesss	7/25/2010 1:52:28 PM
I understand what a lot of women are saying here. My husband is currently in therapy right now to work through all the issues surrounding him and his parents. The key thing the doctor keeps telling him is to set boundaries, and STICK WITH THEM! We have had a very hard first 5 years of marriage because of his parents, but things are starting to look up. It's all about the boundaries, because we are a husband and wife team, and we have to do what feels comfortable for US as a couple, just like his parents did and still do for themselves. We would NEVER overstep our boundaries with them, and our boundaries should be no different.
ereece	2/2/2011 4:24:35 PM
The is crazy, a man is united with his wife, and if his mom wants him to stay married long she should respect that. Her priority should be her sons happiness and not fufulling her own selfish need for love. I will tell you this, a son will mourn the loss of his mother, but he is not ever prepared to lose his wife and family over her. He will mourn that loss forever because it was meant to last until death, where his relationship with his mother will end before he does hopefully. He can love her and spend time with her, but I have a mother in law who needs help, she needs my husband for her male companion in life and that is not right. Men are made to be with one women at a time, their mom then their wife. Anyway else is disfunctional and America is raising these men more and more and we continue to have raising divorce rates.
LMH	7/16/2011 10:07:21 PM
I absolutely disagree that wives should have to share this time with their MILs. My husband is currently deployed and my inlaws just invited themselves and assume that it is okay that they make the trip to come for the homecoming. This bothers me SO much. I understand those are his parents and I have made sacrifices for them when I really shouldn't have, and this one is something that I really just won't budge on. If they do end up coming to the homecoming I am going nowhere near them, call me stubborn but I won't. By the time my husband gets back, I will have seem him a total of 3 weeks in the past 14 months. Does she realizes how hard that has been on me? does she even care? Absolutely not. All she cares about is herself. Not to mention I had our first child while he was gone who he has seen for maybe two weeks all together (if that) and he wasn't home for the birth. All I want is to spend this special time with my daughter and husband, but when my inlaws are around they act like I am invisible and just bombard my husband with questions that he doesn't want to answer in the first place. They have completely disregarded the fact tat after my husband gets back we are traveling to see our family back in our home state two weeks later. God forbid they wait two extra weeks to see him. I'm at the point that I don't even want to go because it's so uncomfortable when they're around. And I know that's terrible to say because I love my husband SO much and I just want to be there to support him and for him to be re-united with my daughter. But in my opinion deployments are harder on us wives at home more than anyone, especially when you have kids they you have to take care of by yourself. And I look at it this way, I know my MIL (and most others) have other kids to worry about, jobs, and a husband of their own. I understand that is your child and you are going to worry about them constantly, I would too if that was my child. But when they are married, the MIL is NO LONGER the most important women in their sons life and they need to get over that. Yes I have always been respectful to my inlaws and I feel like I am constantly bending over backwards for them, and the only thing it's doing is putting a damper on my marriage.

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