Tips for Dealing with your Mother-in-Law
Dr. Laura Schlessinger, family counselor and military mom, addresses the age-old debate of mothers-in-law versus daughters-in-law.
by Heidi Russell Rafferty
MSM sat down with Waddell, Buehler and Dr. Laura Schlessinger, a nationally syndicated radio family counselor in Sherman Oaks, Calif., to get some tips on making room for three:
Understand that you have unique challenges compared to civilian families. This automatically leads to more competition and anxiety in military families, Buehler said. “The fears and worries get heightened, so any conflict gets heightened,” she says.
Empathize with the other woman’s point of view. Each woman has her own reasons to be anxious: “Usually wives are focused on maintaining an attachment–an opposite struggle that the mother should be having. Normal attachment behaviors are things like looking into someone’s eyes and touching and speaking soft tones,” Buehler says. Conversely, the mother is dealing with an added layer of worry for the man who used to be her baby.
Communicate often with your in-laws while he’s away. At a minimum, contact her biweekly to give a report about your husband’s well-being, Buehler says. “Remind yourself that this is the mother of the man you married, and she is a parent. Treat her with respect as a military mom.” she says. “There is great potential for a wonderful relationship if they can join together.”
Plan (months!) ahead for the reunion. Buehler and Schlessinger disagree on how to handle this. Buehler says the mother-in-law must respect the couple’s decision on whether she can be there. “In this case, the decision must come from the guy, though,” Buehler says. “If he says, ‘Mom, you can’t come,’ there is going to be less conflict. Even though the mother-in-law’s nose will be out of shape, just tell her that you need the weekend or a week before joining the rest of the family.”
Schlessinger, on the other hand, says everyone should be welcome at the reunion: “Has no one ever heard of sequential, one thing at a time? Everyone has been suffering–even the fathers and brothers and cousins and everybody. There is an extended family involved.”
She tells wives who call her radio program to “break your back to be as gracious as possible.” And, she adds, by inviting the entire brood into your home, you can call the shots on the events of the reunion day. “Invite, invite, invite and the in-laws will say, ‘No, you need time together.’ The more you give, the more you get back–unless they’re asses,” she laughs.
Reject the lie that mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law are destined to be enemies, Waddell says. “Don’t automatically swallow the deception that says the two are eternal adversaries.”
>> Check out Mothers-In-Law Part II