Mano-a-Mom

Male milspouse finds mentor close to home

By Thomas Litchford


The first time I heard a man of the cloth use “colorful language,” I knew our relationship had changed. In that moment, in that conversation, Pastor O’Connor signaled a trust between us, an openness. He no longer was “just” my pastor, and I no longer was “just” a member of his church.

Pastor O’Connor was a retired Navy captain, who knew a thing or two about military life. He became my mentor in my spiritual life and in my professional life, as well. We met for coffee every Friday for years before a PCS moved Danielle and me from Virginia to Rhode Island. I have yet to find someone to take over that role.

For me, a man in what is still largely a woman’s world, there are not many candidates for the mentor’s role within the military spouse community.

Growing up my mother and father certainly filled the roles we associate with mentors – confidant, advisor, encourager, cautioner – at least until adolescence. After pubescent hormones turned me into a teenager with a chip on his shoulder, my parents were just parents. Their main purpose in the universe seemed to be to thwart me: to enforce curfew, restrict vehicle access, insist on homework completion – basically, to be my personal party-poopers.

Now that I’ve joined the clueless ranks of the army of first-time parents, I find myself turning to my parents for guidance. At times, I may bristle at my mother’s advice. “Oh, put that thing away,” she said recently when I was fiddling with my cell phone while Sean sat in my lap. “Relax,” I said. “I’ll be done in a minute.” But I saw her point. I don’t want to be the parent who pays more attention to the phone than the kids.

My mom has been where I am. She stayed at home and raised three kids. She knows about baby-proofing and temper tantrums and sick toddlers.

I am lucky enough to have realized as an adult that my parents were right about everything, all along. My mom and dad are the natural choices for mentors at this stage in my life. But they’ll also still always be my parents, and I’m not sure there’s really any difference.