Male Military Spouse Needs
by Teresa Sullivan
In a commentary for the Fort Campbell Courier, the spouse of a deployed soldier wrote, “I am an Army wife.” This spouse went on to describe a typical day of grocery shopping, bragging to neighbors about the unit’s accomplishments and all things typical of a day in the life of a spouse left behind—except that this “Army wife” wasn’t typical at all, but one of the growing number of male spouses of active-duty females. The author’s name is Brian McDowell, and he is the husband of active duty member Kelly McDowell of the 502 Infantry Brigade, who completed her second deployment to Baghdad last year.
The Needs of the Male Spouse
“We are an evolving population,” says McDowell of his fellow male spouses. With most support programs inherently geared to female spouses, he states, “The typical Army husband, with or without kids, is probably the most neglected member of the Army’s population.”
Other services or ranks do not seem to fare any better in the eyes of their male spouses. Paul Breckinridge, a veterinarian by trade and husband of Coast Guard member, Jody Breckenridge, of the 11th Coast Guard District, has found the wives to be “welcoming and helpful,” but he says, “I have not seen any effort by the service to respond to the needs of male spouses.”
Dolores Johnson, director of family programs for the Army, in discussing the majority of females who comprise the available support groups, concedes, “It is a challenge for a male to integrate.”
“I understand the mission, and I understand the meaning of orders,” McDowell says. He knows that for his wife to be successful, she must “fit in with the boys.” He feels that his job is to “reciprocate on the other end of the spectrum.”
Finding the male niche
Fitting in with the girls as a male spouse has its challenges, however. Family Readiness Groups (FRG) exist to share information and provide mutual support, but the reality is that they are comprised mostly of women. “We try to put in all our materials to the field that we should be sensitive to single parents, male spouses and different ethnic backgrounds,” says Johnson.
But for McDowell, the reality is not quite so cut and dried. He acknowledges that the lingo is politically correct: “They call them Family Readiness Groups, not Wives Readiness Groups.” But although McDowell feels that these groups make a conscious effort to include everyone, he says, “Unless a male spouse aggressively makes the learning curve of joining a female-oriented FRG, they can easily become isolated.”
Although Breckenridge has always been welcomed, he states that a spouses’ club of 25 women and 1 man must plan activities to please the 25 and that “most of those activities are of little interest to me.” He believes that there is an important conduit for spouses’ concerns through the spouse network. “I am certain that the wives do not bring issues to me that they would to an admiral’s wife,” he says.
Breckenridge feels that a more aggressive outreach approach on the part of senior officers’ husbands might help bridge the gap, but he says, “There is the risk of alienating the women.”
“Lots of guys have difficulty connecting with the wives, and vice versa,” says McDowell. He sees this happening for several reasons. Most husbands of deployed wives are working, for example, and the female spouses “don’t expect us to need anything,” he says.