Male Military Spouse Challenges
by Theresa Sullivan
The Challenge
On the other side of the coin, many male spouses are not comfortable getting too chummy with female spouses for fear of the appearance of impropriety, McDowell says. “There are predators out there who will hit on wives while their husbands are gone,” he states. “Overcoming that is a challenge.”
McDowell notes that infidelity on the part of deployed wives is another concern for the male spouses at home, especially among the younger men. “Fear of their wives cheating on them is their biggest concern,” he says. He sees this as a “maturity factor.”
Johnson realizes the “need to be sensitive and accommodate.” She notes, “When you walk into any group, you want to feel connected and accepted.”
Gender differences create major roadblocks in connecting and forging friendships through spouse groups, however. “We should not assume that ‘one size fits all’ for military-spouse groups,” says Lani Leary, Ph.D., a psychologist and thanatologist. A military spouse herself, Leary says, “Groups that meet to talk and discuss feelings may not meet the male spouse’s need for camaraderie and activity.”
McDowell sees it as a Mars/Venus thing. When it comes to support groups in which women are in the majority, “the Army speaks Venus,” he states.
Johnson says, “It takes a strong commitment on the part of the husband or father to want to get involved.”
Different Needs
Despite the best efforts of both the service and the male spouses, the chasm exists because, according to Leary, “Males are most often supported in different ways than females.” She suggests putting support into “action-oriented activities and ways of being together” instead of the female-oriented model of “support through verbal exchange.”
Although McDowell took the training to be a Care Team member, which is a military-family support system mobilized in case of a death, he warned his group not to come to him if the unthinkable were to happen. “They would find me lying on the kitchen floor in a pile of beer cans. That’s what guys do,” he says.
McDowell does acknowledge a need to “identify and pattern some programs for people who will resist you 100 percent, like the typical guy.”
The Differences
According to Leary, women benefit more from emotional support groups, whereas “men benefit from ‘maps’ that can tell them what is going to happen, what is needed and how to competently complete the journey.” In designing support for male spouses, this could translate into “checklists during deployments to help them cope with change,” she says.
Because males as a group prefer to deal with endgame wins vs. the discussion and sharing that females engage in, Leary suggests an e-mail group that would address the problems and challenges of male military spouses “like a business.” She says, “An online—anonymous and non–face time—chat group for men sharing remedies and best practices” would serve as a gender-friendly support tool for a male spouse.
Having been both active duty and a spouse, McDowell knows what it takes to be successful at both jobs. He says with authority, “It’s a whole lot easier getting shot at and mortared on a daily basis than to stay at home and worry about her getting shot at and mortared.”
McDowell accepts the “terms and conditions” of his wife’s deployment. He acknowledges that he knew what he was getting into when he married her. “She accepts the responsibility,” he says. “That is why my wife is my hero.”