Lovely Valentine's Day
3 tips to get what you want on Valentine’s Day.
by Anita Tedaldi
The key to ensuring a lovely Valentine’s Day is to be honest and upfront about your expectations well before the big day. It’s not about spending a lot of money or buying elaborate gifts or even going out on the town – though none of those things will hurt. It’s about remembering how important your loved one is and showing them how much you care, whether you are together or apart.
My husband and I have probably celebrated one maybe two Valentine’s Days together. It just so happens that my husband was either deployed or traveling, so fate has placed us apart for the last few years on this lover’s day. Despite our physical distance, we have both learned very quickly what Valentine’s Day means to us.
On our first Valentine’s Day, my husband, at the time my fiancée, was living in Los Angeles and I was living in Washington DC. We were in love and infatuated with each other and could do no wrong. My Italian temper was equalized by my colorful and exuberant personality and my husband’s closed off attitude was balanced his charming shyness. The word fight or disagreement didn’t enter our vocabulary. So when my fiancée’ mentioned that he thought Valentine’s was just another way to spend money we didn’t have – and then quickly added that Valentine’s Day was every day for us – I immediately agreed. Matter settled. No Valentine’s Day for us.
As Valentine’s Day approached, however, I got antsy and started dropping not so subtle hints: so and so is taking a mini-cruise for Valentine’s Day; my girlfriends are getting jewelry and this other friend is going to the nicest restaurant in DC – but not that I would want to do that, of course, I’m just letting you know for conversation’s sake.
I realized that I wanted to celebrate Valentine’s Day and that the idea of not doing anything wasn’t going to work for me. Except that I didn’t tell my husband; I passively showed my rising resentment.
My husband let me brew in my own misery, and whenever I mentioned something related to Valentine’s day he changed the subject. The more he did that, the more annoyed and unwilling to share my feelings I became.
But on Valentine’s Day, to my enormous surprise, I received a beautiful card with some roses. When I called my husband to tell him that I had gotten the roses and the card, I asked him why he decided to give me something. He told me that he knew I really wanted to celebrate but that for some reason I had decided instead of telling him I would constantly talk about it indirectly – so he let me believe that he wasn’t getting my drift when he understood all too well. Ever since then, my husband has always acknowledged me during holidays and romantic occasions. It could be something as simple as finding 20 bottles of Evian water on the kitchen table and a small teddy bear or a nice dinner, but we have always tried to do something whether together or apart. For my part, I have stopped with the vague hints and passivity. He’s much happier with a little romantic direction.
Whether you are celebrating your first Valentine’s Day or your 50th here are some tips to help you avoid some common mistakes:
1. SPEAK YOUR MIND
Speak your mind and tell your loved one exactly what you want. If you would really like a surprise but your spouse isn’t into it you can find a compromise and settle for a surprise with some help – give him three or four choices, even rank them.
2. TAKE THE INITIATIVE
If you want to go out to dinner and your spouse isn’t taking the initiative give him a list of restaurants, or even make the reservation yourself. If you can’t go out because of small children or tight finances you can do something romantic at home after you have put your kids to bed. A simple card written from your heart will go farther than any expensive gift or evening. The key is to communicate and be honest.
3. BE REALISTIC
Don’t have unrealistic expectations. If you are hoping that your spouse will appear on a white horse and sing a romantic ballad to you, aim a little lower. Maybe you’d settle for your car instead of a horse, and a clean and shaven hubby beside you, song or not.
* Remember, Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to remember why and how much we love our spouses. It’s a way to acknowledge the special person in our life, to express our love and our feelings. It’s a learning process and each year it gets better when you keep the lines of communication open.