Deployment - In-law Invasion

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In-law Invasion

When your mother-in-law crashes the homecoming

by Michelle Cuthrell

It’s the day every milspouse dreams about.

With luscious locks and stylish stilettos adorning legs shaved for the first time in 12 to 15 months, she’s ready to meet her man. Red, white and blue stickers adorn her perfectly matched, bathed-for-the-first-time-in-months children as they all sing “God Bless the U.S.A.” in the family vehicle on their way to pick up the Soldier they’ve been missing for a year of their lives.

There’s absolutely nothing that could ruin this patriotic, picture-perfect day.

Except, maybe, sharing it with your man’s mama.

It’s one of the biggest debates (and concerns) in military spouse circles. Spouses want intimate homecomings with soldiers – mother-in-laws want first hugs with sons and daughters who have been deployed far too long. As if you don’t have enough to do to prepare, you now have to ready the guest room? (And should you?)

Sometimes the clash brings combat from Baghdad to the bungalow.

DISASTER RELIEF
If your mother-in-law keeps asking when she can fly in for the homecoming, our combat-tested military spouses have some relationship-saving advice to prevent a MIL disaster:

Just say no
“Ask her very lovingly not to come – it’s an intimate time for family,” said Kimberly Shigekane, an Air Force wife, whose husband deploys frequently as a pilot. Remind her gently she didn’t escort him to the prom. (Did she?)

Plan a visit
“I just tell her he is coming home ‘sometime’ this week and we will be down to visit in a few weeks during block leave,” said Michelle Ocampo, an Army wife, who attributes a positive relationship with her mother-in-law to open communication between them.

Open the door
Give her a reasonable date she can visit. “I told my mother-in-law that we were planning a vacation during Scott’s reconstitution period,” said Air Force wife Katie Durham, whose in-laws live hundreds of miles away. “After we returned home, she could visit then.”

Set boundaries
Allow her to attend the homecoming – with boundaries. “Have an honest talk with your MIL before she arrives,” Webster said. “Make sure that she respects the boundaries you set and at the same time, make sure that you respect hers, too. Let her have her own couple of rules — it will make her feel like she has a say, too.”

Change the messenger
“It’s important that the husband deals with his mom and dad during those situations, if possible,” Durham advised. “Obviously he wants to spend those intimate moments with his wife and not worry about mom in the room next door. It would seem like a reasonable request, although it never translates well!”

Post-Deployment Reunion
Deployment Challenges
Handling Money During a Deployment
A Very Profound Day
Preparing for Homecoming

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	11/4/2009 3:41:48 PM
So as a mom of a Navy sailor AND the wife of a retired sailor I found this artical insulting. When my husband was active duty I included his parents in everything possible. I would never do these things to his mom. No, she can not join in the homecoming? Are you for real? That's a joyous occasion. Let's say the homecoming wasn't so sweet. Maybe her child comes home in a pine box. What do you say about that? Or her child doesn't come home at all. The prom and coming home from war or deployment are not the same things. Is it really a disaster if she flys in to welcome her child home? Boundries? That's her child!
MORGANARAINDANCER	11/4/2009 4:22:39 PM
Listen, not to be rude....but when my husband gets home from deployment we want to do it like monkeys on the living room floor. I know moms all want to be there....I'm a mother too, but there is a time and a place that is good for visits.... First hugs, first kisses, first visits after deployment hands down goes to the wife and kids. He can invite mom after he's been home for a week. The basic thing is that as a wife of a service member you know how awkward it can be to find that groove again after he's been gone...give the kids some space and you'll get your turn.
scrapknitter	11/4/2009 5:07:20 PM
By 2002 I had already experienced 4 deployments and they were all on the West coast. When we moved to Virginia, I invited my mother in Law to join us for Homecoming and Christmas. Due to her financial situation, she had not made it to his boot camp graduation or any of his military ceremonies, including re-enlistment. She was not even able to make it to our wedding. I felt that sharing ONE homecoming was not going to kill me or my urges. We lost her to a heart attack this year in June and after reading some of your comments I feel some of you are a little selfish. Remember, if you waited for your spouse for months a few more hours won't kill you and she might be willing to keep the kids company while you and your spouse go out to dinner alone or even get a room.
CareersRus	11/4/2009 5:39:43 PM
Before I was the "mom" of adult sons and their wives (the dreaded mother-in-law) - I was the mother of little kids like the ones you all adore. I didn't stop loving those kids when they grew up. Cut your mothers/mothers-in-law some slack. Their lives will probably be shorter than yours. There is time for everybody who loves the man coming home.
bluesky	11/4/2009 5:56:49 PM
We are currently deployed overseas with 2 kids. When my hubby went to Iraq last year he made it very clear that he only wanted our kids and me there for homecoming. Our kids were only 2 and 3 years old and he wanted to rebond with them, without worrying about splitting time with his parents and siblings (who would have stayed with us.) And every time our kids fell asleep that was our "special" time together - we're now expecting our third child - and I know his family wouldn't have wanted to hear the conception. He called his family the day after he got back and we flew out to see them a few months later. That's not selfish, it's just the need for some private rebonding time. Would his mom liked to have been at the airport to greet and spend time with him? Sure. But at least she understood that he needed time with just the kids and me. He doesn't love his mom any less then he did, but our kids are his top priority now. And that's as it should be.
armywife09	11/4/2009 9:18:16 PM
I know to some Mamas this may have been uinsulting, but for me and my Hubbie this is dead on. When his fam comes it is a croud that are loud, messy, and crash in my living room. The last thing we would want is them crashing his home comming. He can call them when he gets in, and we will see them a week or so after he gets home. I get she is his mom and will misss him, but DD has to go with out her dad and I have to go with out my husband for all that time. We deserve that time together
joss	11/4/2009 9:27:10 PM
My spouse deployed after we had been married for 3 months. The deployment was short notice (in that the departure date moved up dramatically) and we wound up spending our last week together with his parents and mine, which was hard on everyone. We were apart for almost a year. We definitely needed time and privacy to reconnect and, as someone else said, find that "groove" again -just to even get reacquainted and used to one another's presence. We were very lucky that his family wanted us to have that time (we spent a week with them after he'd been home a month.) My MIL never seemed to think that it was a matter of hierarchy or that it was an insult or that his marrying me made her less important in her life. It's just that grown men spend day to day life with their wives which, after a long separation, needs to be reestablished. By contrast, his adult relationship with his parents is already to see them for a visit or two a year, which is not something that has to happen the minute they land on U.S. soil. Any other MIL's posting: Because you love your child, give him time with his wife. His marriage will be better for it.
nanmore	11/5/2009 5:49:44 PM
I have a beautiful DIL who is an asset to our family. I am not trying to be first. Like I wrote in the first post, I am a sailors wife ( now retired ). And I am speaking on behalf of all moms who have children in the military. We love and worry about them, too. I would never shove my DIL out of the way or "take-over". Maybe I can't make to the homecoming, but I don't want to be excluded, and I don't need boundries. This artical should have not been printed. I have seen grieving mother's who's tears will never dry. There is a better way to say things. With tact. With empathy. The MIL is not the enemy. When I was a young bride, I felt my MIL didn't like me, wanted to take over, etc. But as time passed, I decided to go with the flow. What have I got to lose? I have alot to gain. She is older now. And my husband has great respect and love for his mom. And, because I love him. I loved her. And I'm glad I let her hug son first. And be there and included. As the Alzheimer's Disease is slowly stealing her memories. She was a big help to us. She took care of the children so my husband and I could have our own " welcome home ". And believe me, EVERYONE knows what we are doing in our bedroom when the spouses return. MIL is not new here.
usmcrach	11/16/2009 7:50:48 AM
As the mother of a grown son and the wife of a active duty marine, away on deployment, I have to agree with this article. I would never, as a mother, bust in on my son and his wife's' homecoming. Unless my son said he wanted us to be there, I would wait until he got leave and was able to come for a visit. He is an adult and it is likely he is not living with me and his dad and has created a life with his spouse and children that include visits to mom and dad that aren't everyday. His wife is the one whose life is turned upside down when he leaves, she's the one left to raise Their children alone, she's the one whose life is on hold. Not mine, being his mother. My life continues one like it had been. Yes I worry about him and I've missed his visits but I can't compare that to what his wife is missing and going through. Of course I would be devastated if something happened to my son but so would his wife and his babies. Out of respect for her and for my son and this new family he has created I feel it would be a nice idea for me to allow them that private time to reconnect as a family. Also before we accuse people of being selfish, we need to remember that we don't know everyone's family situation. Some people don't have wonderful supportive families and have in-laws that maybe rude, hateful, or very disrespectful and having that at a homecoming is not going to make for a great homecoming. Besides, for me it is ultimately up to the service member and who they want there, my husband has always preferred an intimate homecoming with me and our children and that's the way we have always done things.
momaflo	11/16/2009 9:48:21 AM
As a recent MIL living on post with my son and his family. We will soon experience him being deployed. To those supportive MIL out here I don't find the article offensive because that is your opinion. I am very supportive of my family. I sometimes don't agree with their methods but now I am in the the mature adult world. I didn't always agree with my parents. Keeping on living and I pray and hope you will be a mother, MIL, and grandparent someday, that's when your thinking stops and maturity comes in.
armymom09	11/16/2009 3:33:07 PM
As the mother of a Army Solider I too found this insulting. Without us that husband would not exsist so give us a little credit we loved him first and guess what will always love him your love is here today but who knows what tomorrow will bring my daughter in law better not ever tell me I can't come to my son's homecoming or anything else that involves my child! Get a grip you all can do it like monkeys anythime after homecoming you waited this long one day will not kill you and by all means get a room somewhere as a mother in law I would love to watch my grandchildren for a night or two. Just quit it they put their lives on the line for everyone and you don't have a problem with that but their mother coming to their homecoming is a problem PLEASE!
Kelly	11/16/2009 4:00:37 PM
I believe this article was written with a MIL stereotype in mind. Of course in reality there are ALL kinds of MILs for better or for worse and some of us deal with the "for worse". I think you should take this worth a grain of salt if you have a positive relationship with your DIL and know their and your child's wishes for the homecoming. Just understand that there are those of us who suffer at the hand of MIL and could use the advice. My own thoughts on it...If she is hellbent on attending despite the wishes of you and/or your spouse, don't bother trying to keep it quiet in the bedroom. Next homecoming she can decide again if she feels comfortable being in the mix for the first week(s)! And if she does attend, take advantage as Scrapknitter says "she might be willing to keep the kids company while you and your spouse go out to dinner alone or even get a room."
Kelly	11/16/2009 4:05:24 PM
And I do have to add...yes, one more day with out getting to jump him would probably (figuratively) kill me. That happened to me at my husbands graduation and I think I almost went completely insane.
hicksarmywife	11/16/2009 6:42:09 PM
Well as for me, my mother-in-law has lived with us on and off 6 out of the ten years of our marriage and now he is n the military she has found her way n our housing. So far as the privacy, we have none also whenever there is "family" talk with children or etc there is her comments so I am kinda used to it.
NikkoKitty	11/16/2009 6:55:30 PM
My husband just left for basic training a week ago. We are very close with his parents, and my MIL is a supportive, understanding, loving woman. Since we live in the same town as my MIL and FIL, I see them frequently even when my DH isn't here. They came with me to his Enlistment Ceremony, and we'll all be going together for his graduation. I have my DH for the rest of my life... I can let his mother and father have him for the rest of theirs, too. I think it's easier for us, since we live so close to them. We can see them all day, then go to our own place and boink like bunnies all night if we want to. I'm not being judgmental of those of you who don't want your MIL's around. But I do want the mothers of our military men to know that sometimes, your DIL loves and appreciates you, and wants you to be there for her husband.
NikkoKitty	11/16/2009 6:57:31 PM
I forgot to mention: This article is titled "In-law invasion". I'm sure this is pretty much only referring to the hateful shrewish MILs (the women who are like MY mother, for example!) and not to the loving, caring, MILs. Not everyone sees their MIL being at homecoming as an Armageddon-level situation.
hicksarmywife	11/17/2009 5:41:42 AM
In addition to my comment from yesterday I was interrupted by ya know helping kids w/homework, I feel that if that is what your husband needs for his parents to come to share his homecoming then fine, my husband is very close to both parents. Since it is his desire to have his mom here with us to aid and assist, and to help her out n the process that's what is to be done. As long as there isnt a lot of bickering between us in front of the children, I mean the adults then things would be cool. Your MIL can be a help but the lines of communication needs to stay open and "helpful" comments on each aspect of your life w/husband and children should be a minium.
lauren	3/25/2010 6:57:43 PM
I am a newlywed to a military husband with a two year old daughter. Our families are very loud, very intruding people. When my husband returns from his deployment I can guarantee you that our families will not be there. Like they said, I wanna do it like monkeys on the living room floor. Without my in-laws watching.
Kerry	3/26/2010 4:05:28 PM
The most interesting thing here is the one who matters most- the soldier- seems to have very little importance for mostly everyone's argument. Personally, I would NOT want my MIL there because I definitely want him all to myself. It really wouldn't have anything to do with her personally, just because I want my husband to myself. But because I love him, if he asked for her to be there then she would be and if he wanted to be alone with the kids and I then I would expect the MIL to respect that.
Erzuli	3/30/2010 2:30:43 AM
As a wife I am experiencing our first deployment, but I've been through this for a while now with basic and AIT. There are boundaries that we all need to know. Wives don't like some of them and moms don't like some of them. I'm a mom and would be there for my kids any time they needed me, but if they politely asked me not to be there and to wait for a while I would. These guys have been away from all their family for a long time and bombarding them with people may not be a good thing. I think it's best to let your soldier call the shots in this area. Giving advice on how to handle that is not a bad thing.
cintia	8/26/2010 3:18:08 PM
all the comments were very helpful to me, my husband is going to be deploy over seas at the beginning of next year and its going to be the first one for us as a couple, my mother-in law and i we do not get along, he is only child so she is very jealous. I don't want to exclude her from anything, i don't want her to think I'm the one trying to take his son away from her so I'm going to sit down and talk to my husband about this and if he decides just for me to go see him I will make sure to have a family dinner and ask her to make something special for him.
Armywifeandmom	8/29/2010 8:33:34 PM
I think the most improtant thing is to respect what the servicemember wants. If he wants his mother present, I think as wives we should respect that. Most men would want that private time with their wives and children. As a mother I understand how hard it would be to miss your child's homecoming, but we raise children to be responsible adults. When your child grows up and gets married, his wife and children become the most important things in his life. Your role as a mother changes. He is no longer a child, and you are no longer the most important person in his life. IT is one of the most difficult things to go through, but as his mother you should respect his wishes.
trodreick1231	8/30/2010 2:51:18 PM
The funny thing for us is that when my hubbs came home from deployment, his mom said, you are married, i know you need your time alone. ill see him in a month when you guys come home. his dad on the other hand was not so understanding. i told them both if they wanted to come they were more then welcome too, but it would be nice if they stayed in a hotel for obvisous reasons. he insisted on coming out and staying with us and would even give me a hard time about staying with them. but in the end he ended up not coming out due to some reasons. but i told him nicely that i understood if he wants to come out and see his son come home, but to at least let us have our privacy at home. in the end there was nothing to worry about cuz he didnt come out. but i think just talking to the in laws and trying to be nice and mature about it is the key :)
	9/1/2010 5:25:40 PM
I think that the homecoming should be what the spouse(s) both agree on. Rebonding with children and spouse is importmant. Esp. if your child(ren) in young and doesn't fully understand what's going on. Maybe the first 24 hours he/she comes home should be spend with his/her spouse and children. Then the next day or weekend have everyone over. When my husband came home; we (our son and I) spent the frist night together. Then we had a welcome home party. If my son asked me to wait I'd wait; I would respect his wishes. Then again it all depends on the situation with MIL and DIL.
hfwarrior08	9/1/2010 9:06:32 PM
This dead on for us. We will be endin our first deployment in a few months. I have decided that im goin to disconnect our vonage phone til we are ready to call family let them know he is home. Bc we dont want people ringin the phone like crazy while we freak like monkeys. We have told her that he will be home in november just not goin to tell her the dates. Cant wait til he is home.

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