How to Set Boundaries with In-Laws

Enjoy the holiday by setting a few guidelines...

by Diane Alpeter 

You may not want them to visit when your soldier gets home or to call every time they watch the news to see who got hurt. Ideally, your spouse will set the boundaries with his parents, said Jay Lappin, a licensed clinical social worker.

     The active duty spouse should spend some time alone with his parents before a long deployment, said the former veteran.

     During the visit, he should discuss that he may need time with just his immediate family when he returns. He should also discuss when he can see his parents again, to let them know that they are important.

     However, if the burden is on you, you must be upfront with your feelings while respecting theirs. Here are some helpful tips.

1. The in-laws' presence at departure or return of deployments.

     You can reassure your in-laws that their soldier wants special time with them, said Dr. Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist based in New York. Don't feel selfish that you want your spouse all to yourself upon return. This is the first step in family healing, or reconnection. The second step includes the children. The third is the in-laws and extended family, Heitler said.

     She suggests telling your in-laws that once their child is home that he [or she] will phone them.

     Make a homecoming photo album. Give everyone in the immediate family a camera, and take pictures of everything. Send a set of pictures to the in-laws so they feel included, Heitler said.

2. Visits during R&R or port call

     Tell your in-laws this is not a normal vacation, Heitler said.

     “It is a desperate time to refresh the family and let everyone know yes, there are two parents, or yes, I do have a spouse,” she said. “You can tell your in-laws, ‘We wish we could invite you over, but that would overload the situation.’ Say, ‘We are thinking of you and will make lots of calls to you.’ ”

     Lappin said you could also tell your in-laws you will be working on a videotaped greeting for them from their service member.

3. Calls about the news

     Today’s spouses are pioneers in this. Set a weekly time to talk to your in-laws, Lappin said.

You may also say: “The is really a difficult time for you, and me as well. In order to keep my nerves calmer, I try to focus on the tasks in front of me, such as cooking, cleaning, caring for the children. When people call me, I have a harder time focusing and a harder time holding fast my own worries. I have a request of you. Could you please talk about the news among yourselves or with a friend? And I assure you if I do get bad news, I will call you.”

      While each situation is unique, communication may create stronger ties as well as a happier, less-stressed spouse.