Honesty with your Spouse
Why it is important in a military marriage
by Marshéle Carter Waddell
“Everything’s fine,” I sang into the telephone to my sailor who was stationed half a world away.
“Are you sure?” Mark detected a cover-up in my unusually soprano reply. I knew he knew that I knew something I didn’t want him to know. I had backed my husband’s baby (his fully restored, fire engine red, ‘78 Ford pick-up) into the side of the garage. The driver’s door, which I had neglected to shut all the way before backing out, was now lodged halfway into the hood. I couldn’t close the door and I certainly couldn’t tell my husband. I still had three months left in this deployment. Plenty of time to erase all the evidence, I rationalized.
My heart sank and my conscience stung after we said our goodbyes. I had not been truthful with him. I felt even more alone than I had before his call. Why didn’t I tell him what I had done? Why had I felt the need to omit, skip over and delay the truth? He would have understood. He would have consoled me and given me much-needed direction.
I was disappointed in myself. I had let the time and distance between us dictate my dishonesty and determine my level of transparency with my best friend and lover.
“Telling it like it is” can be a challenge to any relationship. Being completely honest presents a greater challenge for military couples who face the unique stresses of service life. Extended separations due to deployments and training put a new twist on truthfulness, trust and intimacy. The demands of military life can strain the pillars that form the very foundation of a healthy marriage.
The miles and months wedged between husbands and wives make emotional honesty a hard target to hit. Before a deployment, we distance ourselves from one another. Ironically, when we need each another the most, we pull away. Emotions run high and intimacy derails. Transparency and vulnerability are the first to weigh anchor. During a long separation, communication, on a good day, is difficult. Emails, read with our own preconceptions, are misunderstood. Emoticons serve as masks. Phone calls are too brief as household budgets too tight for lengthy, heart-to heart-conversations. After a deployment, despite passionate reunions, reconnecting on an honest, soul-to-soul level is tentative in those first few weeks. The ever-revolving door that is military life makes living and speaking honestly with one another a difficult, yet worthy war to wage.
The first half of the battle is being honest with ourselves. Only then can we be honest with others. Whatever the issue, it will simmer until it’s put on the table. Beware of half-truths. People tend to grab hold of the wrong half, especially under the strain of military life.
Truth may hurt in the short term, but it always heals in the long run. Honesty builds trust, which is critical to the military marriage. Trust builds and guards intimacy. Whether we’re confessing to crunching the car or admitting to an affair, telling the truth flies in the face of fear. Combine your convictions with a big dose of courage, speak the truth in love and watch your marriage deepen and grow.