Fighting in a Marriage

Dealing with different communication methods. 

by Anita Doberman

You probably don’t spend a lot of time thinking about the best way to fight with your husband.  But during an argument, the ability to get ideas across in a relatively calm and effective way can mean the difference between a positive outcome and disaster. 

My husband and I come from different backgrounds and we had to learn techniques for constructive fighting.  Being a hot-tempered Italian woman (born and bred in Rome), my way of fighting was yelling and circling my hands in large motions, whereas my husband’s style was more Anglo-Saxon and he stayed calm and refused to talk.  We now meet somewhere in the middle, with some hand circling and some silence.  I was willing to let go of the yelling but not the hand motions, mostly because it wasn’t possible.  You can take the girl out of Rome, but you apparently cannot take Rome out of the girl. 

Our fighting improved as we realized that fighting is completely normal and part of any relationship.  We have no control over the fact that we will at some point disagree; we do have control over our reactions and the way we express our feelings (or our “thoughts” as my husband prefers to say).  

Arguments usually reveal a problem and allow us to be honest, but we must make an effort not to get carried away with our emotional mind and remember to check back with our rational side.  Whether we are in the same room or an ocean away, when we are angry at our loved one we may think that by verbalizing every emotion that comes to mind we are being honest, but in reality we are lost in our own hurt.  Out of anger or frustration, we all say things we don’t really mean. 

This is especially true when we’re talking over scratchy phone lines from distant locations.  As military wives, we have to remember that fighting when a loved one is deployed or TDY is never a good idea.  We don’t know how long we have on the phone.  Unfortunately, it’s during those stressful times that it becomes easier to be overwhelmed by the pressures of trying to keep the house going and the children happy that we may be short and irritable, even resentful.  At the same time, there’s so much expectation for our conversations with loved ones away, that it’s especially disappointing when those conversations go sour.