The Father-Daughter Relationship During the Teen Years

Ways to strengthen the bond

by Linda Nielsen

According to recent research and my own 30 years of experience as a psychologist, most fathers and teenage daughters never get to know one another as well, or spend as much time together, or talk as comfortably to one another, as mothers and daughters. Why is this bad news? Because a father has as much or more impact as a mother does on their daughter’s school achievement, future job and income, relationships with men, self-confidence, and mental health. 

How do we create more loving, more meaningful, more relaxed father-daughter relationships? Through my work, I have found that the following suggestions almost always strengthen father-daughter relationships.

Being an “equal-opportunity” daughter

When I ask young adult daughters why they aren’t as comfortable sharing personal things or getting to know their fathers as they are with their mothers, most make negative comments about men.

“Because he’s a man, he doesn’t want to talk about serious or personal things.”

“Because men aren’t capable of being as sensitive or as understanding as women.”

“Because fathers aren’t interested in getting to know their daughters very well.”

If a daughter grows up with these kinds of negative assumptions about fathers, she cannot be an equal-opportunity daughter. That is, she will not give her father the same opportunities she gives her mother to develop a comfortable, meaningful relationship. As parents, we strengthen father-daughter relationships by teaching our daughters how to give their fathers the opportunities to be understanding, communicative and personal. Your family can use this quiz to help a daughter realize the ways in which she might be pushing her father away and limiting the quality of their relationship.          

Creating more father-daughter time alone

Regardless of a daughter’s age, the most important thing we can do is to make sure fathers and daughters spend more time alone with one another. Since most fathers and daughters haven’t spent much time together without other people around, they might feel a little uncomfortable at first. If so, they can start by taking turns participating in activities that each enjoys. It could be something as simple as trimming plants, cooking a special dish or playing a card game. They could go to a religious service, go to a movie or spend an afternoon running errands together. A father and daughter could go back to the neighborhood where the father grew up and have him talk about his childhood. The father could choose 15 or 20 of his favorite photographs from various times of his life — as a little boy, a teenager or a young man — and then use the pictures to tell his daughter stories about his life. The key to the success of this father-daughter time is that they alone are sharing this experience.

Staying involved during dad’s absence 

Teenage daughters and fathers can strengthen their relationship during dad’s absence through e-mails, letters, pictures and a touch of silliness. Before dad departs, father and daughter can go out to dinner alone, talk about how much their relationship means to each of them and agree to write or e-mail at least twice a week. If they’re uncomfortable talking about their relationship, they can start with these three questions: What are we going to miss most about each other? What do we like most about each other? How are the two of us alike? They might also agree to make a special photograph album to share when the father returns — or to send one special picture to each other every week, or to make a videotape for one another.

Linda Nielsen is a psychology professor at Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, N.C. Her most recent book is Embracing your Father: How to Create the Relationship You Always Wanted With Your Dad. For more information on father-daughter relationships visit www.wfu.edu/~nielsen/