Deployment - Deployment Anger

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Deployment Anger

Why do you feel angry before a deployment?

by Whitney Bailey

If you’ve gone through a deployment, you are probably familiar with the cycle of emotions as your spouse’s departure draws near. Apprehension, sadness, depression and … anger? Sometimes that anger can catch us by surprise, but if you become angry over an upcoming deployment, know that you are not alone. Anger is a very common response, whether it’s directed towards terrorists, the military, or even your own spouse. But why do we get so angry, and how can we learn to control it?

Loss of Control

Many psychologists believe that a loss of control is directly related to two emotions: anger and depression. Don’t these sound familiar? We have so much control over what we do in life these days. We choose our college, our career, our spouse, and often where we live. Since a deployment can take away that sense of control, anger is often the inevitable next step.

To let go of this type of anger, first recognize what you can and can’t control. You can’t hide your spouse in the closet and you can’t bring about world peace. Your spouse has a job to do and sometimes life isn’t “fair.” Once you accept the fact that you can’t control the situation, learn instead to control your response.

A few days after my husband left for his deployment, our gas grill blew over, sending glass shards scattered across the patio. I called him in anger. “How could you let this happen?” I spit out in frustration. Was I really mad at my husband for not securing the grill? No, but I was scared because I couldn’t lift it back in place by myself and I suddenly had a backyard full of glass. Instead of reacting to a situation I could not control with anger, I should have instead chosen to control my reaction towards my husband.

Sometimes Fear and Anger are the Same

When I find a spider in the bathtub, my first reaction is one of anger. “Ahhh! I hate spiders!” I’ll shudder as I search frantically for a very long stick with which to kill it. Of course, I don’t actually hate spiders, I’m just knee-knockingly afraid of them. My anger is really just a mask for the fear that’s behind it.

Our anger at a spouse over leaving for a deployment can often be that same mask. The night before my husband departed for a 15-month deployment, I lashed out at him, accusing him of leaving me all alone. Despite my vitriol-laced tirade, I was not angry – I was petrified of being on my own.

Recognizing that your anger is really fear can be the first step towards letting it go. If you realize you’re afraid, not angry, you can learn ways to address that fear. Are you scared of sleeping alone at night? Take additional security measures and get a dog if it will give you peace of mind. Will you worry about your spouse if you don’t hear from him every day? Speak with him about your fear and set realistic expectations for how often he will contact you. Anger can be a difficult emotion to manage, but fear can be an easy one to control if you recognize it for what it is.

You’re in Control

Don’t let your anger control you and avoid the pitfalls an ugly attitude can bring. You are not the only spouse who has gotten angry over a deployment, but how you deal with that anger can affect those around you. Accusing your spouse of leaving you in the lurch can leave him feeling anxious and distracted as he enters a potentially dangerous area. Telling your children that the military is making daddy do something he doesn’t want to do can pass your anger along to them. Realize that anger is contagious and don’t let it spread. Share your fears, frustrations, anxiety and of course, anger, on the MilSPOUSE.com message boards and help other spouses control that nasty emotion.

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Stress in Combat
Combat Stress
Personal Crises During Deployment

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User comments:

phantom	5/13/2009 9:35:29 AM
My husband has been deployed and on TDY for 22 months straight almost only two weeks between assignments for a break. My family is falling apart. I have no support his unit doesn't know we are alive I have 3 children who are now failing school, seeing a therapist, showing anger toward everyone and I am falling apart. I have had everything go wrong that could even my house on post has been broke into and I just can't deal with anything anymore. I am on my 3rd therapist I have spoke to commanders, family & life support and chaplains. No one will help or find someone to help or a path for me to try. I am tired of being alone and very very angry so much that is ruined my 20 year marriage. My husband has been in the military for 14 years and I just can't believe no one will help. I feel like the only thing left to do is seperate from my husband and get my family on track in a enviroment I trust to care for me, not the military. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wendy	5/13/2009 10:08:48 AM
Wow. That is awful. I'm not sure what to tell you (since I'm not a therapist and all!) but I think the first thing would be to try to sit down and think as rationally and as calmly as you can, do I love this man, is this worth it? As incredibly horrible as it has been and is it won't last forever and do you want to be with him when it's over? It can be hard to sort through everything you are feeling and going through and suffering to really find an answer to that question. Where would you go if you moved? Do you have family or friends in a place that would be a better environment for your family? You say that he'll be gone for 22 months but not which of those months you are on! If he is still going to be gone until next year this time you could consider moving somewhere where it would be easier for your family...on the other hand if you do want to be with him then having your kids change schools for one year probably won't really help them. I know everything is frustrating and hopeless and awful but you can get through this and be in one piece. It could be worse. You could be a single parent with no income! Try to write down exactly what the main problems are. I don't know how old your children are but even if the youngest is only in Kindergarten or First Grade they too can write down what the problems are as they see them. With your children you can try to come up with solutions and work towards them together. Kids are really good problem solvers! I taught school for a long time so that I do know! What does your husband say? I know he can't change the situation but is he sympathetic and supportive and frustrated that he is gone? Try to take some small steps with your children to fix what you can in your lives...unfortunately even if you do move somewhere you will most likely take most of your problems with you. So it might be best to try to fix as much as you can where you are and when you've done that then consider moving. I wish I could be more helpful but you were very specific! Of course I don't blame you for not necessarily wanting to spell everything out for the whole world to see!
	5/13/2009 12:20:05 PM
Can I suggest trying to find a stable place for you and your children. Sometimes that might mean moving or asking relatives if your children can stay with them for a while so that you have time to work through what's going on. It doesn't sound like your problem is with your husband but with the military and other circumstances. Remember how much you love your husband and that it's not him choosing to put you through all hell, but he could be the one to pull you through.
BAB	5/13/2009 6:23:20 PM
Hello Phantom, I'm a 25 year military spouse and also an Army mom of a 26 young officer(our only child). My husband and I have been together since middle school and we'll be married 25 years in September. My husband recently retired March 1 of this year. I can relate to your issues because I've seen or experienced all of what you are going through. I know that it seems alot for you to handle but you can do it. My son and husband both was deployed to Iraq at the same time and our family went through a lot because each of us was worried about the other. Its a hard road to travel but you can do it. I took the situation into my hands and not look for outside help because I felt they would not understand. They could only hold my hand and said it will be alright. What I did was took the positive out of everything and decided to take care of myself first and everyone else second. I've been a mother and a wife for such a long time and God was only letting me know that its time to take care of myself. So, I enrolled in college and I encourage my husband to do the same while he was deployed so that we could have that to talk about and encourage each other. Our son was so proud to see both his parents graduate together once his father returned from deployment. I didn't get help from other wives or the FRG when they were deployed. I went out and raised monies to help support the troops morale in Iraq and sent T-shirts, books, tapes anything I could rally from civilians that the soldiers could use. Maybe you can get your children involve in something similar so that they could feel that they are helping lift the spirits of not only their father but other soldiers also. Trust me its not easy, but the worse thing you can do is to continue to seek help and only come out with the same feelings. Don't throw the years you have invested in your marriage away thinking that's the answer because you will be worse then where you are now and your husband really need your support. Remember that he's in a dangerous place and he need to know that you are there for him. I had to wear many faces with my husband. When I was worried I tried my best to sound as if I was okay but I couldn't let him know that I was worried. Worrying a a blessing blocker that will keep you stagnate in your situation. Your vows said for better and for worse so, stay strong as a wife, mother and mostly as an unsung soldier. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and keep us updated. I hope I've helped some. PAWAM (Proud Army Wife and Mother) ARMY STRONG!!
Tee	5/14/2009 6:16:46 AM
Being an Army wife, I too have experienced this kind of anger during pre-deployment moments. My husband and I have been together for 19 yrs. He has done 2 tours so far one 18 months and then 9 months later a 7 month one. My question to all the wives is how to deal with the anger when it comes after the deployment? I have moments of flash anger now since he is back. During his deployments we had major cornerstone/life changing events happen and I struggled so hard to deal with them without his support that now I am having an extremely difficult time letting go of the fact that I couldnt depend on him during those moments in my life. I know he would have been here and been the "rock" that he always is in a crisis, but I still have those moments where I angry at him about it. We have talked about it and we both understand the issue but I havnt figured out a way to deal with it just yet. I have learned to control my reaction when I feel this way because I know it isnt his fault, but I feel terrible that I have that anger toward him, its not like he was off at "Soldiers Gone Wild" spring break. It makes me feel very guilty for getting angry at him. Wish I knew how to make it better instead of just keeping it inside. Has anyone else ever felt this way?
HowitzerWife	5/16/2009 11:33:30 PM
Wendy, Contact Military One Source. They have many resources for counseling, finding sitters in your area (for a break form the kiddos if you don't have family in the area). You can ask them anything and they will have an answer.
Household 6	9/27/2009 7:38:38 PM
Honestly people can say, "Oh go here and find help- or so and so will help you." When your all alone with no family and your husband is on his 3rd deployment, gone till next August it gets HARD. For me stopping to think about my emotions just don't happen. I'm really to the point that i'm sick of the Army and sick of being an Army wife! I love my husband to death, and don't want to be without him but sometimes I don't think i'm strong enough. I am on anti-depressants for the first time in my life and it still don't help. I can't sleep, cry all the time. What the life this is, if I had only knew the truth about this lifestyle, I don't think I would have stuck around to get to know my husband more. This article did not help me. There has to be more!
Kimberly	1/17/2010 10:30:10 PM
I served 12 years actuve duty time with my husband. I got out after I finished my Master's degree. My husband left 5 days ago for deployment and this is the first for us. I am amazed that in the past 5 days I have had so many different emotions, and none of them make sense to me. I am lonely, sad, mad, bitter and have no idea what to do to manage the pain. I am an intelligent woman. I am 6 classes from completeing my PhD, and know in my head that I can do this... my heart however is having a hard time catching up. I have actually had thoughts of just packing up and moving back home where I have family support, but I also know that It is not fair to do that to him or our children. What am I missing here?
Kimberly	2/10/2010 6:16:31 PM
This will be my first experience of deployment. My husband is in the Navy Reserves. It has taken me a long time to not be angry about him leaving. About 1 month ago he was at reserve duty and brought me home the magazine Military Spouse. This magazine has really helped me and I read the site as well. It has given me Ideas on how to keep close while he is going and he has read it as well and we have been able to talk about ways to stay close. I will be here alone but "it's going to be OK". I know there will be days I will not want to get out of bed. He is my best friend. I told him that I would have to get a hobby since he has been my hobby.
ArmyWife06	2/11/2010 3:07:15 PM
My husband is about to deploy next month and I don't know if its just me, or the deployment coming up, but I have been really emotional. Frustrated, unappreciated, upset, angry...I don't get it. Any advice from anyone? Pleaseeee?
JustMe	2/13/2010 4:44:43 PM
Luckily, my husband hasn't been deployed for longer than 2 months since we've been married. I only remember the other emotions, not anger. As a military spouse I do understand that it is his job and I realize that these soldiers are fighting for freedom and are actually trying to help the innocent. Thinking that way helps me understand why he's leaving.
teach	6/15/2010 8:21:53 AM
My husband's National Guard unit is to deploy in about three months. Currently he is away for his three week annual training. I am finding that I am very angry about his deployment. I don't see the reason or the need for so many to be deployed especially calling upon the reservists and National Guard. I have never lived on a base and am not familiar at all with military life. My husband served in the first Gulf War prior to us ever meeting. From there, he joined the National Guard to finish up his twenty years. He is now going on his last year and is going to be deployed. I was used to being the wife of a one weekend a month and two week AT wife, but I am not used to being the wife of an active duty serviceman. My husband has a successful career with the Federal Government and we have two children. I think it is cruel what deployments do to our children. Why exactly is our government putting so many children through this? What is really the mission? Almost half of the servicemen and women overseas are National Guard or Reservists. This is insane. Many are facing their third tours if not more. I would have less anger and bitterness if I could see the golden pot at the end of the rainbow and see a recognizable goal for all this suffering.
KellyK.Coggin	12/4/2010 8:42:34 PM
i understand, I am so angery. I hate my husband rightnow. I feel abandoned and let down. all I ever wanted was a normal life with the white picket fence. I hate this life style. This isnt the life I want. I love the man . not his job. I resent him for leaving us during Christmas when our child needs him the most. I am thinking of divorce and dont know what to do. Help please.
Beckylag28	2/24/2011 8:29:55 AM
I hear all of your concerns and share in your frustrations. I'm not going to give you a simple 'This will be okay, you'll get through it' because I myself am in a mood where I want to hit the person that says that to me. That's what people say who don't know what else to say. I've been dealing with deployment anger these last few weeks, (husband leaves for 12 month deployment in 2 weeks) and this is the best advice I can offer on what has worked for me. I think it's perfectly normal to have the thought in your head that your spouse is the one doing this to you. After all, they chose this career knowing what it would mean for their family. While that's true, the more important piece to focus on is that you chose to marry them. I don't think any of us really understand what we're committing to when we say our I Do's to a military life, so I understand if spouses' get in over their heads and want out. I get it. So that's the decision you need to make. You can be mad at your spouse all day long, but at the end of the day the responsibility to make the decision to do something about it or not lies with you. Are you just having a weak day where you hate everything, or is this a persistant problem that you don't want this life anymore? That's the question you need to answer. I hoped this helped some of you. I'm sure you'll see more posts from me in the near future, this deployment is going to be tough.

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