Dealing With Your Son During Deployment
Expert suggestions on dealing with a huge change
By Burt Segal
While you as Mom are shouldering the burden of putting on a brave face and trying to maintain some sense of normalcy during deployment, your son is dealing with his own teenage issues.
When Dad deploys, your son — the new man of the house — is probably taking on more responsibility and stress than you give him credit for, and he might be buckling under the pressure in ways you may not realize.
He counts on Dad to help him sort out these issues. If Dad’s at war, those struggles are exponentially harder.
As a psychotherapist in Norfolk, Va., typically, moms come to me for help with worries about the effect of a father’s absence. Some common complaints: The teenage son tries to control younger siblings; arguments escalate because the oldest is bossier than ever and he refuses to acknowledge his mother’s place above him.
Basically, these teenage sons are overstepping their roles in an effort to make up for their missing fathers. In a misguided effort to comfort their sons and themselves, fathers with one foot out the door often have a final sit-down with the oldest son.
Dad is trying to convey a sense of responsibility and importance. But under the circumstances, the son may interpret his father’s words to mean, “I’m the boss now. It’s up to me to run things.” As his mother, you probably don’t see it that way.
You need to anticipate some of these potential problems before deployment. Think about how your teen will react. Will he resent taking on more responsibility and helping out his younger siblings? Will he rebel against you and start acting out both at home and school?
You and your husband need to develop a plan for tackling these and other issues that will likely surface. Then talk to your son about exactly what the two of you expect from him. Do this with your other children, as well. If Dad is already gone, do this now.
Have a family meeting. Take turns asking one another questions like, “What do you think it’s like for me when Dad’s gone?” “What’s the hardest part for you when he’s away?” “How do you think Dad feels about being away?” Addressing one question at a time, give each family member an opportunity to be the one who asks the question then responds to it before moving on to the next question. It’s important during this exercise not to interrupt or discount another’s response. The idea is to open up honest communication that will lead to understanding each other and improving the family climate.
At times, the usual network of friends and support groups are not enough. Consider outside help. Check with your base family services or Tricare provider for more information.
Burt Segal is a licensed clinical social worker with 20 years of experience counseling military families. He often writes and lectures on parenting topics.