Who Should Help those Coping with Death and Loss

by Teresa Sullivan

Traditionally, the commanding officer’s spouse is expected to be the one to assist. But she too may not be the best choice, if the grieving spouse harbors some anger toward the commanding officer, or the military in general.

Will she express her anger or will she have to tip toe around when she is there? The CO’s spouse must decide if the bereaved can be real and vulnerable with her. If not, Leary recommends that she not impose herself on her. She can be very helpful as the second layer. She can work the chain of command paperwork and organize others.

Whether it is the CO’s spouse or anyone else, Leary advises, “Don’t try to be an automatic best friend. It doesn’t ring true.”

Leary identifies two types of helpers in grief. The wrong kind she refers to as “stalkers.” “Stalkers get involved for their own gratification, and their own need to control.” This is the person who may have only casually met a spouse at a party, but when word comes of tragedy, she invades the inner circles of her life.

The second and more desirable companion for a person experiencing grief is what Leary calls the “invisible” helper. She does not need acknowledgement. She does not need anyone to know that she is helping.

If you are the one who will be the best companion for the grieving person, don’t start by asking, “Let me know what I can do for you.” A person who is grieving is not thinking. They are in shock. Their life is in chaos. The last thing that they want to do is to organize their own caretaking, says Leary.

Instead, say, “This is a way I can help you. May I … take care of your children? Shop for your groceries? Clean your house? Man your phone?” There is an avalanche of business that needs attended to.

Offer to be her personal secretary. Notify relatives, and insurance companies, and her doctor. Keep track of flowers and notes as they come in. Without stripping her of control, help her as much as she needs in making funeral arrangements.

Providing Emotional Help

There are three tasks that the grieving person must address. The first is to acknowledge the loss. The grieving person may feel the need to tell and retell the story of how her loved one died. Leary states, “Every grief deserves a hundred tellings.” 

Being a good listener helps that person accomplish this task. Do not stop a grieving person as they embark on the story of their loss for the umpteenth time with, “You already told me that.” The telling and re-telling of their story helps the grieving person to accept the fact that the loss is a reality.

Steering her toward a grief counseling group such as Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors, or TAPS, can be a great comfort in this stage. Shelly Hall recalls “desperately wanting to talk to another military widow.” A grief group is a place where a grieving person actually can tell her story 100 times, and no one will get bored.

As a helper, you can also go with that person to the site where the death occurred, if that is possible.

The second task of a grieving person is to “feel the emotions around the loss.” To accomplish this, she will need someone with whom she can feel safe, someone with whom she can express her anger, confusion and depression. It is at this stage that a non-judgmental companion for the grieving person is so important.

The third task of a grieving spouse is to begin to create a life without her mate. There can be a great deal of resistance to this. “I don’t want to stop crying, I’m afraid I’ll forget him.” Although irrational, it is a common response, according to Leary. The biggest fear of a person working through grief is that his/her loved one will be forgotten.

As a helper through the process, there are a number of things you can do to alleviate this fear. First and easiest is to use the name of the deceased in conversation. He was a real person. He existed. It’s OK to talk about him. Assure her that you are not going to forget him.

Shelly notes the pleasure she feels when a friend comes into her house, and seeing her husband’s picture, comments on how much her sons resemble him. “As a friend, go out of your way to ask questions about him.”

There are other small things that can help a person in grief create a life without the deceased. As a helper, Leary suggests that you be that last phone call at night. You can’t be a replacement for a deceased spouse, but you can fill the void of having no one to tell how your day went.

You can make a note on your calendar and remember the anniversary in a month, or every month, or a year. You can visit the cemetery with her. If she knows he will be remembered, it will make it easier to reshape her life without him.