Communication After Deployment
Staying connected
by Gary D. Chapman, Ph.D.
In today’s world, with computers and wireless phones, staying connected is easier than ever. If you are disconnected, it takes time to re-establish intimacy. If one of you has violated trust by being unfaithful, it takes genuine confession and forgiveness; then the often slow process of rebuilding trust.
For the average couple, re-entry can be heavenly; with perhaps a few hellish moments. Whatever problems you had did not go away. You must start, not where you left off, but where you are now. That means, taking time to talk and listen. It means sharing what has happened. Obviously, there is not time to relive everything. But if you are to reconnect, you must share some of what has transpired.
Words can make or break a relationship. Such statements as “I missed you. I’m proud of you. You look great; I am so glad you are home,” communicate life to the one who has been deployed. While “You did such a good job with things while I was away. I’m so lucky to have you as a husband/wife. You look fabulous. I am so glad to be home again,” communicate encouragement to the one who stayed at home. No matter what has happened, beginning with positive words creates a climate for reconnecting.
This does not mean that you cannot voice your concerns, but it needs to be done in a positive way. “I know I may be misreading this. There are probably some things I don’t know. But I felt concerned when ….” This kind of statement seeks information to clarify the situation. When you condemn and harshly criticize, you may create a war that is more volatile than the one from which you have returned.
The motif of a good marriage is mutual support and encouragement. Questions like “What could I do to help you? How can I make your life easier? How could I best show my love to you?” express an attitude of helpfulness and will likely be well received by your spouse. In reaching out, you become partners in life, which is what marriage is all about.
The greatest detriment to such positive partnership is selfishness. Perhaps both of you feel that you have gone through a difficult period of life and you deserve a little pampering. However, when you focus on yourselves and start demanding things of each other, you become enemies. When you freely and genuinely reach out with the attitude of helping your spouse, you both become winners.
Marsha, the wife of an enlisted man, captured it all when she said “After all he had been through, I could not believe it when he came home and said, ‘It was a hard deployment. But I’m home now and I’m here to serve you.’ His attitude made our reunion easy. Of course, I wanted to serve him. What wife wouldn’t respond positively to a husband who has that attitude?”