Deployment - Combat Stress - Military Spouse

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Combat Stress

One wife shares her concerns with Ms. Vicki

Dear Ms. Vicki,

My husband has been home from Iraq for 18 months. He does not eat, sleep, socialize or anything. He refuses to be around family or friends. Ms. Vicki, it’s like I’ve lost my husband. He does not hold me in his arms anymore, and we haven’t made love in many, many months. He has lost 25 pounds. He is not a big man either, so he looks sick. All the while he continues to go to work and is preparing for another deployment. I’ve tried to tell his commanders that something is wrong with him. They try to say we are trying to get out of the upcoming deployment.

Now my husband just got an Article 15 and they took pay from him and gave him extra duty. Ms. Vicki, this is not fair, I’m trying to tell them something is wrong and they are punishing him. Ms. Vicki, who can I turn to for help, because I need someone to listen. Please Help.

Signed,

Wife Gone Crazy

Dear Wife,

Thanks for writing and for sharing your story. Your letter echoes the sentiments of many spouses who are concerned for their service member. Sounds like your husband is definitely experiencing some combat stress reactions that are causing great concern. He really needs to see a physician for a mental health evaluation and for a physical. He can share his symptoms with both a psychiatrist and his primary care physician. I think this is key. You are not alone, and your husband’s symptoms are experienced by many. He really needs to get some help immediately.

- Ms. Vicki

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User comments:

Chelle	4/9/2008 8:25:52 AM
I think Ms. Vicki's comment is general and doesn't give enough helpful information. Obviously, he needs to see a mental health professional, but there is a huge stigma of combat stress in this military. (Please see the forum section if you don't believe me...) These guys think going to see the doctor will ruin their careers. They think it will affect their friendships and they think it will make them 'less of men'. My advice is that he go and talk to his Chaplain first. These Soldiers have been trained to deal with these situations and can give him the confidence that he is taking the right steps in getting the help that he needs. Once he feels comfortable with the situation, he should see his PCM (Primary Care Manager) and explain his situation. He doesn't need to be incredibly descriptive, he just needs to convey that he needs to see a mental health professional. It is very important to note that PCM are NOT trained to deal with, diagnose, or treat mental health issues. The only reason he needs to see that PCM is to get a referral to see a mental health professional. In his case, I would recommend a psychiatrist because there may be some chemical imbalances in the brain that they are specialized to deal with. This DOES NOT mean he is insane or incapable of doing his job. It simply means that there may be a chemical imbalance resulting from TBI (traumatic brain injury) or PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Only a trained mental health professional will be able to determine his needs and treatment. As for the Article 15, unless he's taken strides to get treatment and has a profile that lists his condition, there's really nothing you can do. It is ultimately his responsibility to get treatment and he needs to act promptly to prevent further issues. If you need further help, please let me know by getting in touch with the magazine and asking for Chelle.
Ginger	4/9/2008 9:27:29 AM
You're right about one thing...the soldiers do need help, but what I've found in my situation is that they're not willing to get the help they need. Most soldiers don't want to even acknowledge they have a problem and so it's left up to the wife to try to navigate the waters. My husband has been home for 6 months and what I see is that we're getting further apart instead of closer and that I notice more and more combat-related issues. I think the key is better training for the spouses. We're the ones living with it and most likely the only ones that really see the whole picture.
GI Jenny	4/14/2008 4:36:25 PM
OMG!! After reading this, I am so worried for my hb. Chelle, your comment was very helpfull and showed great concern for both parties. I agree with everything you are saying. My hb and I already have a rocky marriage and have for 4 years, since the month after we were married. We didn't know each other. I got pregnant.....We have both hurt each other, made mistakes, and tried to connect, but it is not happening and especially now that he is active duty Army scheduled to go to Iraq in a couple months, I feel more estranged from him. I do understnad why our military men, or men in general, don't want to seek professional help. In the military you are taught to be tough and strong, right? Army Strong, but deep down men are still human fighting an outraegous war that we can't even fathom happens there and although some are ok when they return there are a majority that aren't and are doing little about it because of fear and judgement, so the problem really doesn't lie with them. It could possibly be the military higher ups that make decisions based on their mental state after returning from Iraq, which is pathetic. Again, I am assuming the worst because my hb has some anger issues he never dealt with from his past and problems in our marriage and I am afraid things will be worse not better when he comes back home. The only thing I can do is pray for protection over him and that he finds his peace with the Lord before he goes or while he is there because truly, that is the only way any of them will come out ok in the end.
Navy Wife Wendy	7/9/2008 11:09:58 PM
Hey, I must sternly disagree with some of the comments expressed. It is not entirely the responsibility of the servicemember to seek help, it is the responsibility of the chain of the command, from the Commanding Officer to the Command Sergeant Major to the 1st Sergeant to the Platoon Leader, all the way down to the squad leader to ensure all Soldiers are taken care of. "Wife Gone Crazy" - You have the option to go directly to Army Community Service or the Chaplain to talk to someone yourself. The last thing you want to do is wait for him to do something if he is not willing or feels he does not have his command's support. This would be a great first step, and these resources will be able to direct you to the right people. I'm afraid the comments made here come across, however well intended, as dispensing a medical diagnosis and might leave you feeling even more overwhelmed. As for the Article 15, I'm speaking from the Navy side of the house...but Article 15's are not written in stone and can be overturned if your husband is diagnosed with a mental health issue that lead to the unsatisfactory performance, he can have his Article 15 hearing reviewed. I do think Ginger makes a great point and has a great idea, briefings should be made available to spouses. I hope we see this change in the future. Stay supportive, be strong for him and seek out help that he might need. hugs Wendy
carl	8/30/2008 5:14:57 AM
saw your post on your husband and iraq. I am a soldier who served in afgan. Im hear to tell you that the army has one thing on their mind. And thats to send troops back even if they are screwed up. To be blunt they just dont care. I would hire a lawyer and seek their advice that and get alot of medical proof he has PTSD. Your husband is in terrible pain and he could take his own life. Hard to say that but its the truth. Good luck and god bless
Mel	10/22/2008 8:38:50 PM
My son also refuses to get help for PTSD. It is heart wrenching but you must continue to try... I demand they get him help with or without his cooperation from his unit, family whoever I need to scream at. Being the wife and mother of 3 it can be overbearing., but i can relate about growing further apart. Our unit help a meeting with VA rep with spouses as part of drill and then gave us all the opprotunity to speak with him. I filled out a questionaire they gave us it was the 1st time my husband realized not only did he need help but the stress had gotten to me and felt on the edge. So make sure u are taking care of self too. mel
Amyln	1/28/2009 2:14:40 PM
Wife Gone Crazy, Hang in there and stick to your guns! Try to have a very calm but serious conversation with your husband. Express all of your concerns and tell him how much you still love him and tell him how proud of him you are. This is what I did with my husband and he finally went to the VA for help. He was told he had PTSD and once he heard it from someone else he knew that it was true and that he wasn't crazy. These men need to get help as soon as they come home! Thankfully our unit is very supportive of the soldiers seeking help and stress it over and over again. We also were briefed on what to expect and look for when our soldiers came home from the deployment and where to go for help. There are so many resources available to you and your husband. I can relate to some of your frustrations because the military in general don't make it easy to find out what you need to know but I can't relate to the command being so against a soldier getting needed help. I find it appalling that this is going on. They are putting everyone in danger if they keep taking soldiers who are already suffering with undiagnosed PTSD and other things. I'm not saying your husband is but some soldiers are very unstable and do take there own lives because they are ashamed and just want the pain to go away. Then there are others who might just snap and kill an innocent person because something was triggered. This should not be taken lightly! Go to your chaplain and get advice immediately because in some cases tomorrow is to late. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Army Wife
lovemysgt	2/2/2009 5:29:10 PM
I agree with Navy Wife Wendy that, "It is not entirely the responsibility of the service member to seek help, it is the responsibility of the chain of the command, from the Commanding Officer to the Command Sergeant Major to the 1st Sergeant to the Platoon Leader, all the way down to the squad leader to ensure all Soldiers are taken care of." However, I know that in actuality, it is very rare for any of the command to get involved with their soldiers health issues upon return from deployment – whether it is their responsibility or not. Case in point, less than a month into deployment the vehicle my dh was traveling hit an IED. He was knocked unconscious and spent several days in the hospital. NO ONE IN HIS CHAIN OF COMMAND VISITED HIM AT THE HOSPITAL. Now, nearly a year since he returned from deployment, he still has not received his brain scan for TBI, etc. from the blast. He has since changed units and moved to a new base so, at the very least, he should have received all of the necessary medical follow-ups and evaluations before transferring. However, it didn’t happen. He was pro-active about asking for appointments when at his last unit but whenever an appointment was scheduled it was later cancelled because the command said they needed him at a field op or whatever. Thankfully he seems to be okay now although he did experience some post deployment trauma and stress for about the first six months following his return. And, I know that TBI and PTSD can sometimes manifest later down the road so it was important for him to receive initial and follow-up screenings. It is unbelievably frustrating but at this point the best suggestion I can give is – if you are working and have insurance - to take him to a doctor outside of the military to get an evaluation. That would help alleviate some of the worry about being stigmatized by fellow military personnel. If this is not possible, perhaps the VA is an option?! I know that they have made leaps and bounds over the past few years in dealing with issues such as yours which, as Ms. Vicki pointed out, are experienced by MANY returning soldiers. All the best to you and your husband; I really hope you two can get the help you need and mend the ailing aspects of your marriage.
Jackie5314	5/26/2009 1:34:54 PM
He needs to see doctors. My husband developed panic attacks when he got home from his last depolyment. Bottom line, no one will care about his health or well-being like you. Encourage him to go seek treatment, both medical and psychological. He has to be his own advocate and if he cannot act on his own behalf, then step up and make appointments for him!

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