Missing Your Best Friend
Keeping your marriage strong during deployment.
by Sara Horn
One of the hardest things for a military spouse to deal with is when his or service member is gone. Whether it’s an annual training for a couple of weeks or a deployment that lasts from six to 12 months, it can be a challenge learning how to cope with the absence.
My friend Shauna, an Army National Guard wife, made a great point one day when we were talking about deployments and doing things with friends. “My husband is my best friend,” she said. “So when he’s not here, I haven’t just lost my husband for a little while, I’ve lost the person I do the most things with.”
She’s right – many of us see our spouses as the people who understand us the best and can live with us at our worst. They are the ones we not only love spending intimate time with, but we also enjoy laughing together, watching TV together, and just being together.
So when a separation is required, it can be a challenge to know how to keep that love and that closeness going. But it can be done. Here are just a few ideas to get you started.
Make the most of the communication you have
Spouses, wives especially, can struggle at first when they’re not used to having limited contact with their significant other. It can be jolting to realize that you can’t pick up the phone anytime you want to talk with your love. You also run into the problem of communication preferences – sometimes what you prefer is not the natural preference of your spouse. For instance, when my husband was deployed, I loved to get letters from him, but he preferred just being able to call. Because he was working with a special operations unit, photos and web-cam were off limits, and so we had to make the most of phone calls, e-mail, cards and letters.
Use your communication time to let each other know how much you miss one another and how much you love each other. Don’t take it personally if there sometimes doesn’t seem like there is a whole lot to say. Both of you are living separate lives at the moment and neither of you will have a complete idea of just what the other is going through. Extra understanding and patience are two very important traits.
Continue to find ways of doing things together, even apart. Keep a couple’s notebook that can be mailed back and forth to each other and when you have it, jot down little notes of what you’ve done during the day. Both of you will enjoy seeing the little things the other is doing, things that might not be worth mentioning over the phone but still help you feel connected just knowing that you’re doing them.
Find the positives of being away from each other
For many married couples, deployment can be like dating all over again. You’re forced to express yourself in specific, concrete ways and many military spouses I know have told me that they found their relationships strengthened by the separation. One Navy Reserve couple who struggled with communicating before the deployment found that their conversations actually improved and they were able to share their feelings with each other much more when instant messaging became their primary source of contact.
Don’t be afraid to flirt through e-mails or share your wishes and desires with each other as a way of helping both of you look forward to the homecoming. Help each other see the growth and the lessons you have learned as a couple by being apart. Focus on the positives and work together towards the goals you have set, such as paying off debt or saving a certain amount of money.
Remember that eventually the deployment is over
Just like any season in life, deployments do not last forever. You and your spouse can be there to remind each other that time isn’t stopping and eventually you will be back together. Make plans on what you will do once your spouse is home and talk about what you no longer will take for granted in each other; what you’ve missed and what you appreciate most about one another.
Deployments do not have to be like the end of the world. They are tough, and they can be trying, but they can also be done. If there is anything that a deployment does for a couple, it’s helping us realize all the things we love about our spouse … because they are always the things we miss the most.