Deployment - A Deployment Ends

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A Deployment Ends

How deleting reminders is the final hurdle.

by Nikki Larson

My husband is home, and we’re going through that “post-deployment thing” where we try and re-establish our roles and divide the household chores. He’s on leave, so during the day while I’m at work all sorts of crazy stuff is going on, like kitchen cabinet rearranging. I can’t find anything in my kitchen anymore! At least cooking is an adventure now … I feel like Columbus, setting out to explore new territory and claiming new land for Spain.

We’re both having problems sharing the bed with each other. He’s used to sleeping in the middle of a twin bed, and I’m used to having a king-sized mattress mostly to myself. Each morning, he wakes up with new bruises and doesn’t know where he got them (I have sharp elbows and am not afraid to use them …) Our Scottish Terrier, Angus, took up residence on my husband’s side of the bed during this deployment. Poor little Angus has had to shift his post-deployment napping paradigm, too.

He did another thing I have mixed feelings about – he deleted all the answering machine messages. All of them, including the ones he left while he was deployed and I wasn’t home to take the calls. He deleted the two calls from the Bangor, Maine USO when he was enroute to Baghdad the day he left over a year ago.

During dinner on the day he did that, he was teasing me about keeping 15 old messages on the machine, all from him. I couldn’t tell him the truth about why I kept them because that would just highlight his mortality and he’d feel bad that I worried so much about him; so I told him I kept them so that I could hear his voice whenever I missed him. That was partly true, but certainly not the real reason for hanging on to year-old voicemail.

As military wives, we all know why we don’t delete those messages. We live with the constant fear that those messages may be the only record, or the last time we will hear his voice. Deleting those messages is symbolic of something, but I’m not sure what; I can’t quite put my finger on those emotions quite yet. But with the push of the delete button, they are gone; and so is this past deployment.

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jocotito	6/4/2008 8:53:06 AM
at least you're "fighting" about sharing the bed and certain changes but mine told me he was divorcing after 10 months of his leave and now he came back and he's living at the "barracks" (but that's not true)and my kids are devastated with his action :'( good luck to all of you and hope everything works well.
Schultz	6/4/2008 9:43:52 AM
I guess I am lucky in the sense that my husband tends to ask me often, "Where do you put this pan?" even though it always frustrates me that he can never remember where anything goes, I am thankful not to have to go through what you did! There have been a couple times that he's erased the messages off of the answering machine that I've saved simply to keep him with me. I do know exactly what you mean by having that fear. It may just be that I am annoying when I whine??? But I whined about him deleting them once and he's never touched the machine again unless to listen to new messages. To Jocotito: I am sorry to hear that. I've heard of this happening so often... I know it doesn't help to hear it, but if he's willing to throw away everything he has with you and your children, he doesn't deserve you. God bless you, and I hope things begin looking up for you.
teddygirl	6/4/2008 2:12:59 PM
I understand its hard to get back in the routine after deployment and I did my best to make it easy on him. after 2 years in iraq he came home for 2 weeks then redeployed to texas for a year. now he says he has new girlfriend amd wants a divorce ..the reason he says he wants a divorce.. becuase I did not save enough money while he was gone. now me and his 4 kids are suffering but im glad everythings ok with you and your hubby, i wish you well.
Wilson	6/4/2008 2:18:20 PM
I am so sorry to hear about the divorces. My husband is about to deply in August for Iraq. It scares me, because I wonder (to myself) if he will return or not and he has even said he is scared. I am happy to hear things are ok with you and your husband, and even though hard to readjust to each other, I feel we will be ok now too! Thanks!
txladi	6/4/2008 9:15:12 PM
Wow I am so sorry to hear about the divorces, though I will be totally honest, that is the one thing that worries me about him leaving for Iraq more than anything else! I know God will keep him safe, I just am not sure that God will bring him back to me. I am sure this stems partly from having an Ex H that cheated more often than he breathed, but how would I handle that, he is my best friend and DH? Ladies I will pray for you everyday, God must have something better for you than where you were. And I once learned one a pig always a pig, they are definately not worth the effort it takes to be hurt and they don't deserve your energy of being upset. I am so very sorry! Best of luck to you all.
PixieH	6/5/2008 11:36:17 AM
I sympathize AND empathize with all your stories. My husband has been deployed for 6 months. HE wants a divorce now, too. What is wrong with them over there? He says that he has seen too many of his buddies "screwed over" and there is no reason to think that I am any different than their wives. NOW...we are all adult here and we know there are wives that make us all look bad, but I told him that I didn't think I should pay for someone else's actions. I have done NOTHING but work and save money. He opened another account for his check and is sending $$$ to "our" account.....unbelievable!!! I never thought he would do stuff like this. We are a little older....I guess just not wiser. I am also a nurse at an Army Medical Center, so you know who I take care of daily....so he is jealous! Lord, I have been a nurse 25 years! Anyway...thanks for giving me a forum to "rant" a little.....I truly hope that we all keep our sanity! Good Luck to You All!
jennnyAGR	6/8/2008 12:35:46 AM
I have to reply to the comments that are made here, the last one is saying that their husband wants a divorce, you need to tell him that there are better military wives then those who cheat on them while they are deployed and those soldiers deployed need to know that there are women, hot, good looking women who are sitting at home on a saturday night just missing them, and that if it is true love they will be there when they get back and they need to know that we are sitting in hell, even if they feel like they are in hell themselves, it is just the environment, but those soldiers who want a divorce, there is a commitment problem with them in the first place, but they need to know that all military wives are not those ones of their friends, the same thing that happened to one friend isn't neccasarilly going to happen to them that is what these wives of soldiers are just being "trash" and the others ones are suffering from that!!! I am proud of my husband and I could never do that to him serving our country or not. Please give your wife the thanks and praise that she needs, she loves you and is only looking forward to you coming home and worrying about you!!! There are alot of great wives out there and they, including my self deserve more then we get!!!
tjandrj0619	10/9/2008 9:10:11 PM
Wow. I am very sorry for to everyone who is going through the pain of divorce. My husband is still in Iraq. This is our 1st deployment. We have been married for 15 years, and had some rocky roads in those 15 years. I just hope we do no go through this when he returns. I am very worried about that. We chat via text message everyday, so we try to stay connected. I hope that every thing works out for everyone. God always has a plan for us. We may not like the beginning, but once things get ironed out.......it will get better.
kona_v	10/11/2008 6:48:10 PM
im new to this website...and new to being a military wife. i have 5 months til my new husband returns from iraq and i've all these thoughts racing though my head about how life is going to be when he returns. so it's nice to find a place with like minded individuals since im virutally out on my own here. i stay away from my un supportive family... and most my friends live on the internet... so if you want a new friend, gimme a shout... http://www.myspace.com/kona_v
2mamma4peel	12/3/2008 12:01:52 PM
my husband elbowed me a lot when he was on leave and also talked in his sleep, lol I didn't have to worry about him when he came home, i did have to worry abouthis mom when she visited, she rearranged my WHOLE kitchen one day while i was napping, so when she came back a month ago for the birth of her second grandchild, DH kept her out of the kitchen. :)
2mamma4peel	12/3/2008 12:05:51 PM
I'm also sorry to hear about all the divorces. My husband and i went through some REALLY tough times during his first deployment and it brought us closer together even tho it was mostly his stupidity. We are about to embark on our next deployment and we know it's gonna be harder and easier cause we arent as naive as we were on our first. I almost divorced him so many times but i always remembered how much i love him and what potential we had.
ArmyWife73	5/17/2009 1:07:22 PM
WOW....hopefully after reading all of what I read so far today(I am new to this site)...that my marriage is strong enough to survive the deployments and everything else that comes along with the military lifestyle! Pray for me & mine...as I will do the same for everyone on this site!
Lisa	11/25/2009 3:52:07 PM
I am sorry to hear about all the divorce news out there. I guess I am lucky because after his depolyments we became closer than ever. Communication is the best medicine. We both had understanding for one another and some forgiveness for what may be different now. We are happier than ever and closer than ever.
JenGren83	11/29/2009 7:32:40 PM
My husband has been deployed for almost 5 months and we have been doing great. I agree that communication is the key. We email during the week and then skype on the weekends. We make sure that if we need to talk about something it waits for the weekends so that things dont get mis-communicated with email.
Amanda	3/12/2010 11:04:29 AM
I have only been and army wife for 3 1/2 years and we have only been married 3 1/2 years we got married right after his basic graduation well out of the time of us being married he is on his second deployment so we have only lived together maybe a year total. This has been our hardest deployment where he has said he wants a divorce but then calls me the next day telling me he loves me and he cant wait till he comes home. I know it is stressful on him being over there and he just wants someone to take it out on but I know it is tough to listen to it and not be able to rant back at him! I really am praying everthing will work out for us and all other militayr wives out there going through deployments.
Shelle	7/1/2010 5:37:42 PM
I have been married to my hubby 15 yrs on July 3rd. He is in Korea for a yr and this is our 1st long tour and it is killing me. I know he loves me I just worry about EVERYTHING!! Like is he sleepin with someone up there or is he going to reallize I am not what he really wants and so on. But then I remind myself he loves me we have been together for 15 yrs I have stood by him through everything.. It helps but still is hard. He will be home in September for my bday for his 30 day life and then in March he comes and we move. I hope and pray he comes home and still wants me or hasnt found anyone else to satisfy his needs while he is up there.. But till then he has my full trust(Even though I have heard stories of other married me up there) and I will be here keeping up the homefront till he comes home.
Shelle	7/1/2010 5:40:28 PM
Wow I cant spell and forgot words LOL... Comes home for 30 day leave, march he comes home, and i Heave heard what other married men do up there with Jucies and other women..
	7/5/2010 9:43:17 PM
Well it certainly seems that deployment has and will continue to take its toll on the military family. Its very hard to have your man come back after a year of deoployment and adjust to the changes that are going on all around you and him. . . i.e. your used to living alone and doing your routine and he's used to living with a bunch of dudes and doing very dudish things. Anger, nervouness, detachment among other things are "normal" and I use that word very lightly. I'm experiencing some of the same things with my husband who has been back from Afghanistan for about five months now, I suggest you let him re-arrange the cubbords (if you are able to handle that) and the whole sharring the bed issue? Well remember when you were little and you had to share a bed at a sleep over or you all slept out on a tramp? You werent used to that either but you dealt with it right? You probably just need to get used to having some one in the bed with you again. As for message saving, I remeber I was upset when my husband told me he deleted all the emails I had sent him when he was deployed and it dident bother him at all. I guess when these guys make it home alive and well some things become secondary to them. Some of them are just happy to be home with family especially if their units deployment was a hard one and message and email traffic are just a bad memory for them, messages, emails, care packages were your way of showing how much you cared and supported him when he's home he now has that support in the flesh. Just be patient and have HUGE amounts of understanding, if you need help and you both want to work your problems out (and remember they are both your problems, it takes two to fight) remember there are resources available to you to help you and your husband cope. Even the word War is very ugly, so the realities of it must be ten time worse for our boys, it changes a persons perspective and at times makes people question their sanity and morals. I am not encouraging any spouse to stay in any type of abusive relationship but there is nothing that makes a Soldier a stronger fighting force than a Soldier that has a united and strong home front. Ladies keep up what your doing our boys need us more than ever.

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